Answering The Call

inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioun

2012-02-23T22:06:00.001+03:00

Oh Allah please have mercy on the kind man who was my uncle, who was killed today in his shop. amin. al fatiha

Ta Ha

2012-02-17T20:48:00.002+03:00

And I endued you with love from Me, in order that you may be brought up under My Eye..(39)..Then you did kill a man, but We saved you from great distress and tried you with a heavy trial...(40) "And I have chosen you for Myself. (41) "Go you and your brother with My Ayât and do not, you both, slacken and become weak in My Remembrance. (42)

SubhanAllah.. so much sweetness.. so much love and beauty and mercy and inexplicable wonderfulness.. how can anyone not know our Lord.. how could anyone choose not to see?

break

2012-02-15T00:23:00.000+03:00

ya Allah,
if it will keep my heart soft
Then break my heart every day

Amin.
http://warsanshire.bandcamp.com/track/the-prayer

He was indeed good to me.. unite me with the righteous.

2012-02-08T00:35:00.002+03:00

سُوۡرَةُ یُوسُف
قَالَ لَا تَثۡرِيبَ عَلَيۡكُمُ ٱلۡيَوۡمَ‌ۖ يَغۡفِرُ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمۡ‌ۖ وَهُوَ أَرۡحَمُ ٱلرَّٲحِمِينَ (٩٢) ٱذۡهَبُواْ بِقَمِيصِى هَـٰذَا فَأَلۡقُوهُ عَلَىٰ وَجۡهِ أَبِى يَأۡتِ بَصِيرً۬ا وَأۡتُونِى بِأَهۡلِڪُمۡ أَجۡمَعِينَ (٩٣) وَلَمَّا فَصَلَتِ ٱلۡعِيرُ قَالَ أَبُوهُمۡ إِنِّى لَأَجِدُ رِيحَ يُوسُفَ‌ۖ لَوۡلَآ أَن تُفَنِّدُونِ (٩٤) قَالُواْ تَٱللَّهِ إِنَّكَ لَفِى ضَلَـٰلِكَ ٱلۡقَدِيمِ (٩٥) فَلَمَّآ أَن جَآءَ ٱلۡبَشِيرُ أَلۡقَٮٰهُ عَلَىٰ وَجۡهِهِۦ فَٱرۡتَدَّ بَصِيرً۬ا‌ۖ قَالَ أَلَمۡ أَقُل لَّڪُمۡ إِنِّىٓ أَعۡلَمُ مِنَ ٱللَّهِ مَا لَا تَعۡلَمُونَ (٩٦) قَالُواْ يَـٰٓأَبَانَا ٱسۡتَغۡفِرۡ لَنَا ذُنُوبَنَآ إِنَّا كُنَّا خَـٰطِـِٔينَ (٩٧) قَالَ سَوۡفَ أَسۡتَغۡفِرُ لَكُمۡ رَبِّىٓ‌ۖ إِنَّهُ ۥ هُوَ ٱلۡغَفُورُ ٱلرَّحِيمُ (٩٨) فَلَمَّا دَخَلُواْ عَلَىٰ يُوسُفَ ءَاوَىٰٓ إِلَيۡهِ أَبَوَيۡهِ وَقَالَ ٱدۡخُلُواْ مِصۡرَ إِن شَآءَ ٱللَّهُ ءَامِنِينَ (٩٩) وَرَفَعَ أَبَوَيۡهِ عَلَى ٱلۡعَرۡشِ وَخَرُّواْ لَهُ ۥ سُجَّدً۬ا‌ۖ وَقَالَ يَـٰٓأَبَتِ هَـٰذَا تَأۡوِيلُ رُءۡيَـٰىَ مِن قَبۡلُ قَدۡ جَعَلَهَا رَبِّى حَقًّ۬ا‌ۖ وَقَدۡ أَحۡسَنَ بِىٓ إِذۡ أَخۡرَجَنِى مِنَ ٱلسِّجۡنِ وَجَآءَ بِكُم مِّنَ ٱلۡبَدۡوِ مِنۢ بَعۡدِ أَن نَّزَغَ ٱلشَّيۡطَـٰنُ بَيۡنِى وَبَيۡنَ إِخۡوَتِىٓ‌ۚ إِنَّ رَبِّى لَطِيفٌ۬ لِّمَا يَشَآءُ‌ۚ إِنَّهُ ۥ هُوَ ٱلۡعَلِيمُ ٱلۡحَكِيمُ (١٠٠) ۞ رَبِّ قَدۡ ءَاتَيۡتَنِى مِنَ ٱلۡمُلۡكِ وَعَلَّمۡتَنِى مِن تَأۡوِيلِ ٱلۡأَحَادِيثِ‌ۚ فَاطِرَ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٲتِ وَٱلۡأَرۡضِ أَنتَ وَلِىِّۦ فِى ٱلدُّنۡيَا وَٱلۡأَخِرَةِ‌ۖ تَوَفَّنِى مُسۡلِمً۬ا وَأَلۡحِقۡنِى بِٱلصَّـٰلِحِينَ (١٠١) ذَٲلِكَ مِنۡ أَنۢبَآءِ ٱلۡغَيۡبِ نُوحِيهِ إِلَيۡكَ‌ۖ وَمَا كُنتَ لَدَيۡہِمۡ إِذۡ أَجۡمَعُوٓاْ أَمۡرَهُمۡ وَهُمۡ يَمۡكُرُونَ (١٠٢) وَمَآ أَڪۡثَرُ ٱلنَّاسِ وَلَوۡ حَرَصۡتَ بِمُؤۡمِنِينَ (١٠٣) وَمَا تَسۡـَٔلُهُمۡ عَلَيۡهِ مِنۡ أَجۡرٍ‌ۚ إِنۡ هُوَ إِلَّا ذِڪۡرٌ۬ لِّلۡعَـٰلَمِينَ (١٠٤) وَڪَأَيِّن مِّنۡ ءَايَةٍ۬ فِى ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٲتِ وَٱلۡأَرۡضِ يَمُرُّونَ عَلَيۡہَا وَهُمۡ عَنۡہَا مُعۡرِضُونَ (١٠٥) وَمَا يُؤۡمِنُ أَڪۡثَرُهُم بِٱللَّهِ إِلَّا وَهُم مُّشۡرِكُونَ (١٠٦) أَفَأَمِنُوٓاْ أَن تَأۡتِيَہُمۡ غَـٰشِيَةٌ۬ مِّنۡ عَذَابِ ٱللَّهِ أَوۡ تَأۡتِيَہُمُ ٱلسَّاعَةُ بَغۡتَةً۬ وَهُمۡ لَا يَشۡعُرُونَ (١٠٧) قُلۡ هَـٰذِهِۦ سَبِيلِىٓ أَدۡعُوٓاْ إِلَى ٱللَّهِ‌ۚ عَلَىٰ بَصِيرَةٍ أَنَا۟ وَمَنِ ٱتَّبَعَنِى‌ۖ وَسُبۡحَـٰنَ ٱللَّهِ وَمَآ أَنَا۟ مِنَ ٱلۡمُشۡرِكِينَ (١٠٨) وَمَآ أَرۡسَلۡنَا مِن قَبۡلِكَ إِلَّا رِجَالاً۬ نُّوحِىٓ إِلَيۡہِم مِّنۡ أَهۡلِ ٱلۡقُرَىٰٓ‌ۗ أَفَلَمۡ يَسِيرُواْ فِى ٱلۡأَرۡضِ فَيَنظُرُواْ كَيۡفَ كَانَ عَـٰقِبَةُ ٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبۡلِهِمۡ‌ۗ وَلَدَارُ ٱلۡأَخِرَةِ خَيۡرٌ۬ لِّلَّذِينَ ٱتَّقَوۡاْ‌ۗ أَفَلَا تَعۡقِلُونَ (١٠٩) حَتَّىٰٓ إِذَا ٱسۡتَيۡـَٔسَ ٱلرُّسُلُ وَظَنُّوٓاْ أَنَّہُمۡ قَدۡ ڪُذِبُواْ جَآءَهُمۡ نَصۡرُنَا فَنُجِّىَ مَن نَّشَآءُ‌ۖ وَلَا يُرَدُّ بَأۡسُنَا عَنِ ٱلۡقَوۡمِ ٱلۡمُجۡرِمِينَ (١١٠) لَقَدۡ كَانَ فِى قَصَصِہِمۡ عِبۡرَةٌ۬ لِّأُوْلِى ٱلۡأَلۡبَـٰبِ‌ۗ مَا كَانَ حَدِيثً۬ا يُفۡتَرَىٰ وَلَـٰڪِن تَصۡدِيقَ ٱلَّذِى بَيۡنَ يَدَيۡهِ وَتَفۡصِيلَ ڪُلِّ شَىۡءٍ۬ وَهُدً۬ى وَرَحۡمَةً۬ لِّقَوۡمٍ۬ يُؤۡمِنُونَ (١١١)

Surah Yusuf:
He said: "This day let no reproach be (cast) on you: Allah will forgive you, and He is the Most Merciful of those who show mercy! (92) "Go with this my shirt, and cast it over the face of my father: he will come to see (clearly). Then come ye (here) to me together with all your family." (93) When the caravan left (Egypt), their father said: "I do indeed scent the presence of Joseph: nay, think me not a dotard." (94) They said: "By Allah! truly thou art in thine old wandering illusion." (95) Then when the bearer of the good news came he cast (the shirt) over his face, and he forthwith regained clear sight. He said: "Did I not say to you, I Know from Allah that which ye know not?' " (96) They said: "O our father! ask for us forgiveness for our sins, for we were truly at fault." (97) He said: "Soon will I ask my Lord for forgiveness for you: for He is indeed Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (98) Then when they entered the presence of Joseph he provided a home for his parents with himself, and said: "Enter ye Egypt (all) in safety if it please Allah." (99) And he raised his parents high on the throne (of dignity), and they fell down in prostration, (all) before him. He said: "O my father! this is the fulfilment of my vision of old! Allah hath made it come true! He was indeed good to me when He took me out of prison and brought you (all here) out of the desert, (even) after Satan had sown enmity between me and my brothers. Verily my Lord understandeth best the mysteries of all that He planneth to do: For verily He is full of knowledge and wisdom. (100) "O my Lord! Thou hast indeed bestowed on me some power, and taught me something of the interpretation of dreams and events― O Thou Creator of the heavens and the earth! Thou art my Protector in this world and in the Hereafter Take thou my soul (at death) as one submitting to Thy Will (as a Muslim), and unite me with the righteous." (101) Such is one of the stories of what happened unseen, which We reveal by inspiration unto thee: nor wast thou (present) with them when they concerted their plans together in the process of weaving their plots. (102) Yet no faith will the greater part of mankind have, however ardently thou dost desire it. (103) And no reward dost thou ask of them for this: it is no less than a Message for all creatures. (104) And how many Signs in the heavens and the earth do they pass by? Yet they turn (their faces) away from them! (105) And most of them believe not in Allah without associating (others as partners) with Him! (106) Do they then feel secure from the coming against them of the covering veil of the wrath of Allah― Or of the coming against them of the (final) Hour all of a sudden while they perceive not? (107) Say thou: "This my way: I do invite unto Allah― on evidence clear as the seeing with one's eyes I and whoever follows me: Glory to Allah! and never will I join gods with Allah!" (108) Nor did We send before thee (as Messengers) any but men, whom We did inspire― (men) living in human habitations. Do they not travel through the earth, and see what was the end of those before them? But the home of the Hereafter is best, for those who do right. Will ye not then understand? (109) (Respite will be granted) until, when the messengers give up hope (of their people) and (come to ) think that they were treated as liars, there reaches them Our help. And those whom We will are delivered into safety. But never will be warded off Our punishment from those who are in sin. (110) There is, in their stories instruction for men endued with understanding. It is not a tale invented, but a confirmation of what went before it a detailed exposition of all things, and a Guide and a Mercy to any such as believe. (111)

from his rules of love (and longing) part 2

2012-01-25T22:13:00.000+03:00

page 341.
By and large over time, pain turns into grief, grief turns into silence, and silence turns into lonesomeness, as vast and bottomless as the dark ocean. ...
You think you cannot live anymore. You think that the light of your soul has been put out and that you will stay in the dark forever. But when you are engulfed by such solid darkness, when you have both eyes closed to the world, a third eye opens in your heart. And only then do you come to realize that eyesight conflicts with inner knowledge. No eye sees so clear and sharp as the eye of love. After grief comes another season, another valley, another you. And the lover who is nowhere to be found, you start to see everywhere.

leave

2012-01-25T12:54:00.001+03:00

the unbearable weight of staying

i don't know when love became elusive
what i know, is that no one i know has it
my fathers arms around my mothers neck
fruit too ripe to eat, a door half way open
when your name is just a hand i can never hold
everything i have ever believed in, becomes magic.

i think of lovers as trees, growing to and
from one another searching for the same light,
my mothers laughter in a dark room,
a photograph greying under my touch,
this is all i know how to do, carry loss around until
i begin to resemble every bad memory,
every terrible fear,
every nightmare anyone has ever had.

i ask did you ever love me?
you say of course, of course so quickly
that you sound like someone else
i ask are you made of steel? are you made of iron?
you cry on the phone, my stomach hurts

i let you leave, i need someone who knows how to stay.

by Warsan Shire

from his rules of love (and longing)

2012-01-24T23:48:00.003+03:00

page 192.
Bountiful is your life, full and complete. Or so you think, until someone comes along and makes you realize what you have been missing all this time. Like a mirror that reflects what is absent rather than present, he shows you the void in your soul-the void you have resisted seeing. ......
It is as if for years on end you compile a personal dictionary. In it you give your definitions of every concept that matters to you, such as "truth," "happiness," or "beauty." At every turning point in life, you refer to this dictionary, hardly ever feeling the need to question its premises. Then one day a stranger comes and snatches your precious dictionary and throws it away.
"All your definitions need to be redefined," he says. "It's time for you to unlearn everything you know."
And you, for some reason unbeknownst to your mind but obvious to your heart, instead of raising objections or getting cross with him, gladly comply.

paradise

2012-01-17T13:33:00.000+03:00

catching bullets.. the wheel breaks the butterfly..

And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"

Mylo Xyloto rocks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6ZWlDks0nQ

my muse wrote..

2012-01-15T01:20:00.001+03:00

FIRST THOUGHT AFTER SEEING YOUR MOUTH SMILE.
-

‘come with every wound

and every woman you’ve ever loved

every lie you’ve ever told

and whatever it is that keeps you up at night

every mouth you’ve punched in

all the blood you’ve ever tasted

come with every enemy you’ve ever made

and all the family you’ve ever buried

and every dirty thing you’ve ever done

every drink thats burnt your throat

and every morning you’ve woken

with nothing and no one

come with all your loss

your regrets, sins

memories

black outs

secrets

come with all the rot in your mouth

and that voice like needle hitting record

come with your kind eyes and weeping knuckles

come with all your shame

come with your swollen heart

i’ve never seen anything more beautiful than you’.

2012-01-14T11:57:00.001+03:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpIgju0ZBJY

quotes.

2011-10-02T03:09:00.000+03:00

“
Creativity is freedom. Creativity is the absence of fear.
Erykah Badu (via osram-akoma)

“
She thought about her life and how lost she’d felt for most of it. She thought about the way that all truths she’d been taught to consider valuable invariably conflicted with the world as it was actually lived. How could a person be so utterly lost, yet remain living?
Douglas Coupland (via stellablu)

“
There will come a time when you believe everything is finished; that will be the beginning.
Louis L’Amour

“
She kissed as if she, alone, could forge the signature of the sun.
Saul Williams

like the water: My House by Nikki Giovanni

“… I’m saying it’s my house

and i’ll make fudge and call

it love and touch my lip

to the chocolate warmth

and smile at old men and call

it revolution cause what’s real

is really real

and i still like men in tight

pants cause everybody has some

thing to give and more

important need something to take…”

“
‎in somalia there is an Einstein or a Beethoven or a somebody dying in the dust there because he doesnt have water. i know it. i can feel him
Bin Sulaiman, my father (via amirsulaiman)

“
If you have come to help me you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up in mine, then let us work together.
Lila Watson (via herbrokensilence)

“
I wrote the story myself. It’s about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Mae West

The schools we go to are the reflections of the society that created them. Nobody is going to give you the education you need to overthrow them. Nobody is going to teach you your true history, teach you your true heroes, if they know that that knowledge will help set you free. Schools in amerika are interested in brainwashing people with amerikanism, giving them a little bit of education, and training them in skills needed to fill the positions the capitalist system requires. As long as we expect amerika’s schools to educate us, we will remain ignorant
Assata Shakur (via antarahhh)

“
We of the fatherless tribe love [men] differently.
Gina Loring

“
Because there’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away.
Sarah Kay

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.
Zora Neale Hurston
“
Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.
Jodi Picoult

“
The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion, but cosmetics are easier to buy.
Yves Saint-Laurent

When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I’ve never tried before.
Mae West

There is a country where the leading cause of death of pregnant women is murder by a partner. In this same country, more than a million women were raped in 2008 and women are much more likely to live in poverty than men. Local laws don’t protect their right to bodily freedom and integrity; some rape laws even state that once a woman initially consents to sex, she doesn’t have the right to change her mind.

You may have caught on by now — yes, I’m talking about the United States.

Jessica Valenti, in “Equality begins at home: U.S. lags pathetically behind other nations in some basic rights for women.”

The Renaissance WOman: Love Like Syrup Must Be Sweet
ohmyearth:
“… they only ask you about the day you fell. No one asks about the day you were dropped. No one thinks to consider that as you fell all that was around you fell as well. No one acknowledges that there are no pillars of sand still standing. No one notices you on your knees. It all seems natural until we start to bleed.”

“…When you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah…” (Quran 3:159)

Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.
Rumi

“
We only write about two feelings: one is the first day of summer when you and all of your friends are standing on the edge of a cliff watching the sun set and being overcome with all of your hopes and dreams at once. The other is when you’re walking alone in the rain and realize you will be alone forever.
The Drums

“
Don’t allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not.
Paulo Coelho

“
It’s good to leave each day behind, like flowing water, free of sadness. Yesterday is gone and its tale told. Today new seeds are growing.
Rumi

remember. quote of the day.

2011-10-01T22:01:00.001+03:00

a broken heart is the heart that lets light in

make your worship sincere..

2011-09-15T11:59:00.001+03:00

And the weighing on that day (Day of Resurrection) will be the true (weighing)[]. So as for those whose scale (of good deeds) will be heavy, they will be the successful (by entering Paradise). (8) And as for those whose scale will be light, they are those who will lose their ownselves (by entering Hell) because they denied and rejected Our Ayât (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.). (9) And surely, We gave you authority on the earth and appointed for you therein provisions (for your life). Little thanks do you give. (10) And surely, We created you (your father Adam) and then gave you shape (the noble shape of a human being); then We told the angels, "Prostrate yourselves to Adam", and they prostrated themselves, except Iblîs (Satan), he refused to be of those who prostrated themselves. (11) (Allâh) said: "What prevented you (O Iblîs) that you did not prostrate yourself, when I commanded you?" Iblîs said: "I am better than him (Adam), You created me from fire, and him You created from clay." (12) (Allâh) said: "(O Iblîs) get down from this (Paradise), it is not for you to be arrogant here. Get out, for you are of those humiliated and disgraced." (13) (Iblîs) said: "Allow me respite till the Day they are raised up (i.e. the Day of Resurrection)." (14) (Allâh) said: "You are of those respited." (15) (Iblîs) said: "Because You have sent me astray, surely I will sit in wait against them (human beings) on Your Straight Path (16) Then I will come to them from before them and behind them, from their right and from their left, and You will not find most of them as thankful ones (i.e. they will not be dutiful to You)." (17) (Allâh) said (to Iblîs) "Get out from this (Paradise) disgraced and expelled. Whoever of them (mankind) will follow you, then surely I will fill Hell with you all." (18) "And O Adam! Dwell you and your wife in Paradise, and eat thereof as you both wish, but approach not this tree otherwise you both will be of the Zâlimûn (unjust and wrong-doers)." (19) Then Shaitân (Satan) whispered suggestions to them both in order to uncover that which was hidden from them of their private parts (before); he said: "Your Lord did not forbid you this tree save that you should become angels or become of the immortals." (20) And he [Shaitân (Satan)] swore by Allâh to them both (saying): "Verily, I am one of the sincere well-wishers for you both." (21) So he misled them with deception. Then when they tasted of the tree, that which was hidden from them of their shame (private parts) became manifest to them and they began to cover themselves with the leaves of Paradise (in order to cover their shame). And their Lord called out to them (saying): "Did I not forbid you that tree and tell you: Verily, Shaitân (Satan) is an open enemy unto you?" (22) They said: "Our Lord! We have wronged ourselves. If You forgive us not, and bestow not upon us Your Mercy, we shall certainly be of the losers." (23) (Allâh) said: "Get down, one of you is an enemy to the other [i.e. Adam, Hawwa (Eve), and Shaitân (Satan),]. On earth will be a dwelling-place for you and an enjoyment, - for a time." (24) He said: "Therein you shall live, and therein you shall die, and from it you shall be brought out (i.e.resurrected)." (25) O Children of Adam! We have bestowed raiment upon you to cover yourselves (screen your private parts) and as an adornment, and the raiment of righteousness, that is better. Such are among the Ayât (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) of Allâh, that they may remember (i.e. leave falsehood and follow truth[]). (26) O Children of Adam! Let not Shaitân (Satan) deceive you, as he got your parents [Adam and Hawwa (Eve)] out of Paradise, stripping them of their raiments, to show them their private parts. Verily, he and Qabîluhu (his soldiers from the jinn or his tribe) see you from where you cannot see them. Verily, We made the Shayâtin (devils) Auliyâ' (protectors and helpers) for those who believe not. (27) And when they commit a Fâhishah (evil deed, going round the Ka'bah in naked state, and every kind of unlawful sexual intercourse), they say: "We found our fathers doing it, and Allâh has commanded it on us." Say: "Nay, Allâh never commands of Fâhishah. Do you say of Allâh what you know not? (28) Say (O Muhammad SAW): My Lord has commanded justice and (said) that you should face Him only (i.e. worship none but Allâh and face the Qiblah, i.e. the Ka'bah at Makkah during prayers) in every place of worship, in prayers (and not to face other false deities and idols), and invoke Him only making your religion sincere to Him (by not joining in worship any partner to Him and with the intention that you are doing your deeds for Allâh's sake only). As He brought you (into being) in the beginning, so shall you be brought into being [on the Day of Resurrection (in two groups, one as a blessed one (believers), and the other as a wretched one (disbelievers)]. (29) A group He has guided, and a group deserved to be in error; (because) surely they took the Shayâtin (devils) as Auliyâ' (protectors and helpers) instead of Allâh, and think that they are guided. (30) O Children of Adam! Take your adornment (by wearing your clean clothes), while praying[] and going round (the Tawâf of ) the Ka'bah, and eat and drink but waste not by extravagance, certainly He (Allâh) likes not Al-Musrifûn (those who waste by extravagance). (31) Say (O Muhammad SAW): "Who has forbidden the adornment with clothes given by Allâh, which He has produced for His slaves, and At-Taiyyibât [all kinds of Halâl (lawful) things] of food?" Say: "They are, in the life of this world, for those who believe, (and) exclusively for them (believers) on the Day of Resurrection (the disbelievers will not share them)." Thus We explain the Ayât (Islâmic laws) in detail for people who have knowledge. (32) Say (O Muhammad SAW): "(But) the things that my Lord has indeed forbidden are Al-Fawâhish (great evil sins, every kind of unlawful sexual intercourse,) whether committed openly or secretly, sins (of all kinds), unrighteous oppression, joining partners (in worship) with Allâh for which He has given no authority, and saying things about Allâh of which you have no knowledge." (33) And every nation has its appointed term; when their term comes, neither can they delay it nor can they advance it an hour (or a moment). (34) O Children of Adam! If there come to you Messengers from amongst you, reciting to you, My Verses, then whosoever becomes pious and righteous, on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve (35) But those who reject Our Ayât (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations,) and treat them with arrogance, they are the dwellers of the (Hell) Fire, they will abide therein forever (36) Who is more unjust than one who invents a lie against Allâh or rejects His Ayât (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations)? For such their appointed portion (good things of this worldly life and their period of stay therein) will reach them from the Book (of Decrees) until, when Our Messengers (the angel of death and his assistants) come to them to take their souls, they (the angels) will say: "Where are those whom you used to invoke and worship besides Allâh," they will reply, "They have vanished and deserted us." And they will bear witness against themselves, that they were disbelievers. (37) (Allâh) will say: "Enter you in the company of nations who passed away before you, of men and jinn, into the Fire." Every time a new nation enters, it curses its sister nation (that went before), until they will be gathered all together in the Fire. The last of them will say to the first of them: "Our Lord! These misled us, so give them a double torment of the Fire." He will say: "For each one there is double (torment), but you know not." (38) The first of them will say to the last of them: "You were not better than us, so taste the torment for what you used to earn." (39) Verily, those who belie Our Ayât (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations) and treat them with arrogance, for them the gates of heaven will not be opened, and they will not enter Paradise until the camel goes through the eye of the needle (which is impossible). Thus do We recompense the Mujrimûn (criminals, polytheists, and sinners). (40) Theirs will be a bed of Hell (Fire), and over them coverings (of Hell-fire). Thus do We recompense the Zâlimûn (polytheists and wrong-doers). (41) But those who believed (in the Oneness of Allâh - Islâmic Monotheism), and worked righteousness - We tax not any person beyond his scope,— such are the dwellers of Paradise. They will abide therein. (42) And We shall remove from their breasts any (mutual) hatred or sense of injury (which they had, if at all, in the life of this world); rivers flowing under them, and they will say: "All the praises and thanks be to Allâh, Who has guided us to this, and never could we have found guidance, were it not that Allâh had guided us! Indeed, the Messengers of our Lord did come with the truth." And it will be cried out to them: "This is the Paradise which you have inherited for what you used to do." (43) And the dwellers of Paradise will call out to the dwellers of the Fire (saying): "We have indeed found true what our Lord had promised us; have you also found true, what your Lord promised (warnings)?" They shall say: "Yes." Then a crier will proclaim between them: "The Curse of Allâh is on the Zâlimûn (polytheists and wrong-doers)," (44) Those who hindered (men) from the Path of Allâh, and would seek to make it crooked, and they were disbelievers in the Hereafter. (45) And between them will be a (barrier) screen and on Al-A'râf (a wall with elevated places) will be men (whose good and evil deeds would be equal in scale), who would recognise all (of the Paradise and Hell people), by their marks (the dwellers of Paradise by their white faces and the dwellers of Hell by their black faces), they will call out to the dwellers of Paradise, "Salâmun 'Alaikûm" (peace be on you), and at that time they (men on Al-A'râf) will not yet have entered it (Paradise), but they will hope to enter (it) with certainty. (46) And when their eyes will be turned towards the dwellers of the Fire, they will say: "Our Lord! Place us not with the people who are Zâlimûn (polytheists and wrong-doers)." (47) And the men on Al-A'râf[] (the wall) will call unto the men whom they would recognise by their marks, saying: "Of what benefit to you were your great numbers (and hoards of wealth), and your arrogance (against Faith)?" (48) Are they those, of whom you swore that Allâh would never show them mercy. (Behold! It has been said to them): "Enter Paradise, no fear shall be on you, nor shall you grieve." (49) And the dwellers of the Fire will call to the dwellers of Paradise: "Pour on us some water or anything that Allâh has provided you with." They will say: "Both (water and provision) Allâh has forbidden to the disbelievers." (50) "Who took their religion as an amusement and play, and the life of the world deceived them." So this Day We shall forget them as they forgot their meeting of this Day, and as they used to reject Our Ayât (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations). (51) Certainly, We have brought them a Book (the Qur'ân) which We have explained in detail with knowledge, - a guidance and a mercy to a people who believe. (52) Await they just for the final fullfilment of the event? On the Day the event is finally fulfilled (i.e. the Day of Resurrection), those who neglected it before will say: "Verily, the Messengers of our Lord did come with the truth, now are there any intercessors for us that they might intercede on our behalf? Or could we be sent back (to the first life of the world) so that we might do (good) deeds other than those (evil) deeds which we used to do?" Verily, they have lost their ownselves (i.e. destroyed themselves) and that which they used to fabricate (invoking and worshipping others besides Allâh) has gone away from them. (53) Indeed your Lord is Allâh, Who created the heavens and the earth in Six Days, and then He rose over (Istawâ) the Throne (really in a manner that suits His Majesty). He brings the night as a cover over the day, seeking it rapidly, and (He created) the sun, the moon, the stars subjected to His Command. Surely, His is the Creation and Commandment. Blessed is Allâh, the Lord of the 'Alamîn (mankind, jinn and all that exists)! (54) Invoke your Lord with humility and in secret. He likes not the aggressors. (55) And do not do mischief on the earth, after it has been set in order, and invoke Him with fear and hope; Surely, Allâh's Mercy is (ever) near unto the good-doers. (56) And it is He Who sends the winds as heralds of glad tidings, going before His Mercy (rain). Till when they have carried a heavy-laden cloud, We drive it to a land that is dead, then We cause water (rain) to descend thereon. Then We produce every kind of fruit therewith. Similarly, We shall raise up the dead, so that you may remember or take heed. (57) The vegetation of a good land comes forth (easily) by the Permission of its Lord, and that which is bad, brings forth nothing but (a little) with difficulty. Thus do We explain variously the Ayât (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) for a people who give thanks. (58) sura Al A'raf

intimate friends and true Supporter/Protector

2011-09-13T00:28:00.002+03:00

..our Lord! Put not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Pardon us and grant us Forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Maulâ (Patron, Supporter and Protector, etc.) and give us victory..

sura Al Baqarah:286

Amin!

And (remember) the Day when the Zâlim (wrong-doer, oppressor, polytheist) will bite at his hands, he will say: "Oh! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger ( Muhammad SAW).[] (27) "Ah! Woe to me! Would that I had never taken so-and-so as a Khalil (an intimate friend)! (28) "He indeed led me astray from the Reminder (this Qur'ân) after it had come to me. And Shaitân (Satan) is to man ever a deserter in the hour of need." (Tafsir Al-Qurtubi)

(29) Sura Al Furqan

when afflicted

2011-09-11T00:34:00.000+03:00

ٱلَّذِينَ إِذَآ أَصَـٰبَتۡهُم مُّصِيبَةٌ۬ قَالُوٓاْ إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّآ إِلَيۡهِ رَٲجِعُونَ (١٥٦) أُوْلَـٰٓٮِٕكَ عَلَيۡہِمۡ صَلَوَٲتٌ۬ مِّن رَّبِّهِمۡ وَرَحۡمَةٌ۬‌ۖ وَأُوْلَـٰٓٮِٕكَ هُمُ ٱلۡمُهۡتَدُونَ (١٥٧)

Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: "Truly! To Allâh we belong and truly, to Him we shall return." (156) They are those on whom are the Salawât (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided-ones. (157)

sura Al Baqara

whatever good

2011-09-10T03:03:00.001+03:00

رَبِّ إِنِّى لِمَآ أَنزَلۡتَ إِلَىَّ مِنۡ خَيۡرٍ۬ فَقِيرٌ۬

"My Lord! truly, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow on me!"

sura Al Qasas:24

the worst and the rest

2011-09-08T01:33:00.004+03:00

The Merciful answered the dua of even the worst of creation, shaytan..

Why would a muslim ever despair and loose hope in His Creator, when we have dua and this knowledge that He granted even the most hated one his wish..

And indeed, We have put the big stars in the heaven and We beautified it for the beholders.[] (16) And We have guarded it (near heaven) from every outcast Shaitân (devil). (17) Except him (devil) who steals the hearing then he is pursued by a clear flaming fire. (18) And the earth We have spread out, and have placed therein firm mountains, and caused to grow therein all kinds of things in due proportion. (19)

And We have provided therein means of living, for you and for those whom you provide not [moving (living) creatures, cattle, beasts, and other animals]. (20) And there is not a thing, but with Us are the stores thereof. And We send it not down except in a known measure. (21) And We send the winds fertilizing (to fill heavily the clouds with water), then caused the water (rain) to descend from the sky, and We gave it to you to drink, and it is not you who are the owners of its stores [i.e. to give water to whom you like or to withhold it from whom you like]. (22) And certainly We! We it is Who give life, and cause death[], and We are the Inheritors. (23)

And indeed, We know the first generations of you who had passed away, and indeed, We know the present generations of you (mankind), and also those who will come afterwards (24) And verily, your Lord will gather them together. Truly, He is All-Wise, All-Knowing (25) And indeed, We created man from dried (sounding) clay of altered mud. (26) And the jinn, We created aforetime from the smokeless flame of fire. (27) And (remember) when your Lord said to the angels: "I am going to create a man (Adam) from dried (sounding) clay of altered mud. (28) "So, when I have fashioned him completely and breathed into him (Adam) the soul which I created for him, then fall (you) down prostrating yourselves unto him." (29) So, the angels prostrated themselves, all of them together. (30) Except Iblîs (Satan), - he refused to be among the prostrators. (31) (Allâh) said: "O Iblîs (Satan)! What is your reason for not being among the prostrators?" (32) [Iblîs (Satan)] said: "I am not the one to prostrate myself to a human being, whom You created from dried (sounding) clay of altered mud." (33) (Allâh) said: "Then, get out from here, for verily, you are Rajîm (an outcast or a cursed one)." [Tafsîr At-Tabarî] (34) "And verily, the curse shall be upon you till the Day of Recompense (i.e. the Day of Resurrection)." (35)

[Iblîs (Satan)] said: "O my Lord! Give me then respite till the Day they (the dead) will be resurrected." (36) Allâh said: "Then, verily, you are of those reprieved, (37) "Till the Day of the time appointed."

(38) [Iblîs (Satan)] said: "O my Lord! Because you misled me, I shall indeed adorn the path of error for them (mankind) on the earth, and I shall mislead them all. (39) "Except Your chosen, (guided) slaves among them." (40) (Allâh) said: "This is the Way which will lead straight to Me." (41) "Certainly, you shall have no authority over My slaves, except those who follow you of the Ghâwun (Mushrikûn and those who go astray, criminals, polytheists, and evil-doers) (42) "And surely, Hell is the promised place for them all. (43) "It (Hell) has seven gates, for each of those gates is a (special) class (of sinners) assigned. (44)

"Truly! The Muttaqûn (pious and righteous persons - see V.2:2) will be amidst Gardens and water-springs (Paradise). (45) "(It will be said to them): 'Enter therein (Paradise), in peace and security.' (46) "And We shall remove from their breasts any deep feeling of bitterness (that they may have), (So they will be like) brothers facing each other on thrones. (47) "No sense of fatigue shall touch them, nor shall they (ever) be asked to leave it." (48) Declare (O Muhammad SAW) unto My slaves, that truly, I am the Oft-Forgiving, the Most-Merciful. (49)

And that My Torment is indeed the most painful torment. (50) sura Al Hijr

i love this poem. to all my ladies.

2011-09-08T00:54:00.001+03:00

To all the boys i've loved before
by mayda del valle

part 1:
we are not your mothers
and are not meant to be
it is not our responsibility to raise you into respectful beings
you have been weaned from the breast of a woman for years
yet you come to us
wounded and half filled with promises you can only keep half the time
trying to suckle our sense of self dry
we've become much to accustomed to sleepless nights and damp pillows
have become accustomed to waiting for our empty beds
to be weighed down with the bodies of men heavy with the scent
and the hands of other women
mornings with swollen puffy eyes are becoming routine
and we simply wanting to be loved
simply wanting to be able to love ourselves unconditionally
simply wanting to be held and feel safe
simply wanting the truth of whether you can really love us or not
play Hester Prynn
wear scarlet letters on our chests
become adulteresses
cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve
willing to settle for less
willing to act like a little less than a goddesses
willing to sleep with the enemy
men too scared to stop acting like boys
thinking we can love away their scars
so we take the lashes of the insecurities they pour on us
and lick our wounds in quiet mourning for the little girls we lose by the minute
fast fading memories of playing hopscotch
and skippin' rope
we now play freeze tag with each other's hearts
play hide and seek with our love
if we just don't breathe maybe we won't get caught
up in the spider's web we weave while waiting for what we give away to be returned

part 2:
you said you had a photographic memory
but apparently you forgot that honesty
begins by being real with yourself
and the ones you claim you love
should have never wasted my time
and just acted like the man you claimed and told the world you were
made a production of setting my folks at ease with tales of how you'd do all it ever took to never break my heart
I guess you thought you were talking to a roomful of the deaf and blind
figured they didn't hear you
coz I never saw it coming
but the truth cannot be hidden
what's clouded in darkness will always come to light my love
you shoulda known that
claiming you saw my light so clearly and brightly
so I left
chasing paper trails of promises you'd already set on fire
left with nothing but the ashes of who you'd written that you were
and singed fingers from trying to grasp the impossible

and the only thing I've really lost
are lukewarm kisses
that for too long I kept trying to tune the beat of my heart, a few lies, and stories
about honesty and truth

I guess shit happens
I just wish it wasn't me

and I guess
it's so much better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all
I know that's some easy shit to say

but I'm still gonna try to live by it
I'm still gonna try to put my faith to rest in it

I will sleep on dry pillows now in a bed big enough to love myself in
I will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry and shining
full of the knowledge I am priceless and worth nothing but honesty
I will remove the scarlet letter from my chest and hold the hand of the little girl I used to be
and say I'm sorry to her
I'm sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved
and I will wait
for a man
to come along
that can give me the truth of how much he can really love me
--

2011-09-01T01:19:00.002+03:00

And We have fastened every man's deeds[] to his neck, and on the Day of Resurrection, We shall bring out for him a book which he will find wide open. (13) (It will be said to him): "Read your book. You yourself are sufficient as a reckoner against you this Day." (14) Whoever goes right, then he goes right only for the benefit of his ownself. And whoever goes astray, then he goes astray to his own loss.

No one laden with burdens can bear another's burden.

And We never punish until We have sent a Messenger (to give warning). (15) And when We decide to destroy a town (population), We (first) send a definite order (to obey Allâh and be righteous) to those among them [or We (first) increase in number those of its population] who lead a life of luxury. Then, they transgress therein, and thus the word (of torment) is justified against it (them). Then We destroy it with complete destruction (16) And how many generations have We destroyed after Nûh (Noah)! And Sufficient is your Lord as an All-Knower and All-Beholder of the sins of His slaves. (17) Whoever desires the quick-passing (transitory enjoyment of this world), We readily grant him what We will for whom We like. Then, afterwards, We have appointed for him Hell, he will burn therein disgraced and rejected, - (far away from Allâhs Mercy). (18) And whoever desires the Hereafter and strives for it, with the necessary effort due for it (i.e. do righteous deeds of Allâh's Obedience) while he is a believer (in the Oneness of Allâh— Islâmic Monotheism), then such are the ones whose striving shall be appreciated, (thanked and rewarded by Allâh). (19) On - each these as well as those - We bestow from the Bounties of your Lord. And the Bounties of your Lord can never be forbidden. (20) surah Isra

Diwan

2011-06-04T00:03:00.002+03:00

دع الأيام تفعل ما تشاء *** وطب نفسا إذا حكم القضاء
ولا تجزع لحادثة الليالي *** فما لحوادث الدنيا بقاء
وكن رجلا على الأهوال جلدا *** وشيمتك السماحة والوفاء
وإن كثرت عيوبك في البرايا *** وسرك أن يكون لها غطاء
يغطى بالسماحة كل عيب *** وكم عيب يغطيه السخاء
ولا حزن يدوم ولا سرور *** ولا بؤس عليك ولا رخاء
ولا ترج السماحة من بخيل *** فما في النار للظمآن ماء
ورزقك ليس ينقصه التأني *** وليس يزيد في الرزق العناء
إذا ما كنت ذا قلب قنوع *** فأنت ومالك الدنيا سواء
ومن نزلت بساحته المنايا *** فلا أرض تقيه ولا سماء
وأرض الله واسعة ولكن *** إذا نزل القضا ضاق الفضاء
دع الأيام تغدر كل حين *** ولا يغني عن الموت الدواء

Let days go forth and do as they please
And remain firm when settled is the Decree

Don’t be afraid of what happens by night
For the affairs of this world are not to last

And be a man, strong in the face of calamities
And let your nature be that of kindness and honesty

If your faults become too much in front of the people
And you wish that they were to be concealed,

Then know that kindness covers all faults
And how many faults are kept hidden by kindness!

No sadness lasts forever, nor any happiness
And you shall not remain in poverty, or any luxury

Generosity cannot be hoped from the miserly
For no water exists in the Fire for the thirsty

Your provision will not be decreased due to life’s delays
And it cannot be increased due to your haste

If, in your heart, you possess contentment
Then you and those who possess the world are equal

And for him upon whose horizon death descends,
No earth can offer him protection, nor any sky

Indeed, the earth of Allah is certainly vast
But if decree descends, then the world constricts

Let days be the ones that betray you at all times
For no cure can avail a person of death

-Imam Al-Shaf'i

Dear God

2011-06-02T01:30:00.002+03:00

Please protect us from those who lie to us, who are reckless with our hearts and who only hurt us. Please surround us with those You love and who love You and are careful with Your servants, especially those of us who are in a state of need and distress and loneliness and hurt. Ameen!

when the going gets tough..

2011-05-30T23:37:00.002+03:00

'..Our Lord! lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; help us..'

part of surah Al-Baqara/Cow: 286

2011-05-23T00:11:00.002+03:00

Love liberates. It doesn't just hold—that's ego. Love liberates.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXhTMlA64FM

Try to live your life in a way that you will not regret years of useless virtue and inertia and timidity.-Maya

po redu..

2011-05-07T02:00:00.006+03:00

'Također niste grješni budete li žene zaprosili, ili ako to budete potajno željeli: Allah zna da ćete o njima misliti, ali im nemojte ništa potajno obećavati, već govorite samo po pravdi; nemojte se na vjenčavanje odlučivati dok se utvrđeni propis ne ispuni-valja vam znati da je Allahu znano šta je u dušama vašim i zato Ga se pričuvajte, znajući da Allah prašta i da je On Preblagi.'
Krava-235

'.. Naš Gospodar je znanjem obuhvatio baš sve; u Allaha uzdamo se; Gospodaru, između nas i našeg naroda donesi po Istini razrješenje, jer Ti daješ razrješenje najbolje!'
Uzvisine-89

29. hadis:

Od Muaza ibn Džebela radiAllahu anhu prenosi se da je rekao: "Allahov Poslaniče, obavjesti me o djelu koje će me uvesti u Džennet a udaljiti od Vatre. Allahov Poslanik salAllahu alejhi ve sellem, reče: 'Pitao si me o velikoj stvari. Ona je lahka onome kome to Allah olakša. Robuj Allahu, ne pridružuj Mu ništa, obavljaj namaz, daji zekat, posti Ramazan i obavljaj hadždž.' Zatim reče: 'Želiš li da te uputim na vrata dobra: post je štit; sadaka neutrališe grijehe kao što voda gasi vatru; i namaz čovjeka u dubini noći.' Tada je proučio: "Bokovi njihovi se postelja lišavaju i oni se Gospodaru svome iz straha i želje klanjaju, a dio onoga što im Mi dajemo udjeljuju. I niko ne zna kakve ih, kao nagrada za ono što su činili, skrivene radosti čekaju." Nakon toga je rekao: 'Želite li da vas obavjestimo glavnoj stvari, njenom stubu i njenom vrhuncu?' Rekoh: 'Svakako Allahov Poslaniče.'
On reče: 'Glavna stvar je islam, njegov stub je namaz a njegov vrhunac je džihad.' Zatim reče: 'Hoćeš li da te obavjestim o najvažnijem temelju svega toga?' Rekoh: 'Svakako Allahov Poslaniče.' On se uhvati za jezik i reče: 'Čuvaj ovo.' Rekoh: 'Allahov Poslaniče, pa zar ćemo i za govor biti pitani?' Poslanik salAllahu alejhi ve sellem odgovori: 'O Muaze, teško tebi! A zar će ljude u Vatru išta drugo bacati na njihova lica ili na njihove noseve do plodovi njihovih jezika!?' (Tirmizi-2616)

May 2.

2011-05-02T23:20:00.003+03:00

It was 1992. that on this day my city was saved. It was bold, brave, majestic men who with their bear hands defended this city form those who wanted to take over and kill all in it. It is God who protected us all.
Who protected our President may God have mercy on him and grant him Jannah amin. And watching the documentary on how it all went down, tonight, i also just wanted to be protected.. to feel safe in someones arms.. and only one person came to mind.. just like last year around this time.. God help us all amin.

my muse said..

2011-04-28T00:48:00.001+03:00

bad milk.
-

since you moved out

i have not returned to the apartment.

i sleep in my old bedroom

in the house i outgrew the moment

you flexed your fingers inside of me.

my mother and her henna fingered friends

move out my belongings

like handfuls of water

from a sinking boat.

the entire city tastes of your

cowardly mouth.

i pray like a photograph left out in the sun

bent at the edges

stiff at the centre

stained

trying to remember what i looked like

before you ruined me.

Let it not dispair you

2011-04-09T19:12:00.007+03:00

From a talk i listened to today

'Someone who is a mighty fighter is not someone who never gets hit, who never falls off the horse. Rather, someone who is a determened fighter against his self (nafs), he will get up, get back on his horse and continue fighting. This is a person who succeeds, in contrast to someone who, when he falls, stays on the ground and says 'this is hopeless', he does not succeed.' explaining the following hikam:

'When a sin is committed by you, do not let it make you despair of attaining uprightness with your Lord, for that (sin) may be the last one destined for you to commit' Hikam 148 -Ibn Ata'ILlah al Iskenderi

and then

Hikam 149
'When you want Him to open you the door of hope, behold what is from Him to you. And if you want Him to open you the door of fear, behold what is from you to Him.'

i.e. if you need hope to spur you on on your journey to Allah, look at all He has given you (from Him to you), however undeserving you might feel to be. And if you need fear of Allah to spur you on (from being disobedient to Him for example), look at what is from you to Him (how much you fail to remember Him and praise Him in regard to how much He ought to be praised).

May Allah increase the light of iman in our hearts and make it brighter and brighter. May He grant us to be aware of Him and that everything is from Him, always. May He let us be with those who He loves, and may He have mercy on those we love for His sake amin!

MARA

2011-02-26T04:11:00.001+03:00

BROTNJICE

Čekali smo dugo Vrijeme je da shvatimo kako smo dugo
čekali

Jedni su bili praznih ruku a drugi ne znaše dobaciti
Svi jednako okrenuti suncu ali sudbina raznih
Ima ih koji su nicali i gdje nikada sijani nisu
Ima ih koji su hrabro nikli ali nikada na sebe svikli
Pa sada blude kao pijani od stare nade do nove zablude
Ima ih što marljivo djeljali su ražanj a zec kao zec
Ima ih koji su voljeli bilo šta nego išta na visokoj grani
Al onaj golub je u ruci koju smo vam baš od srca dali
I gavrani tavni sjeli nam na mozak A na vrh te patnje
Nismo ih ni zvali Opsjednuti vremenom što nasilno u nas
uđe
Pamti li ikto vrijeme što iznevjerilo nije
Kroz mreže od buđe davnom obećanju idemo
Što pred nama se krije sve zbiljnije sve luđe
Dobar dan dobri dane dobrom danu još uvijek dobrimo
Kroz kupinje crno kroz drače vremena kroz vražije kroz
vrače

Ruke su još tu al još se ne rukovasmo
Od opčinjenosti još se ne izliječismo
Jer lijeka još ne nađosmo
Osim one stare molitve
Osim one stare kletve
Osim
Od Drine do Ukrine i Save od Une i Sane do Rame i Neretve

Zapreštaju vam dijavole i studeni grade i suhi vjetre
Zapreštaju vas sa vasemim silama nebesnim urilom i
rapailom i epimilom
Da ne prihodite ka siemu ka metehu tom silama
nečastivim pometenom

Lijeka još nemamo osim molitve ove i kletve
Ali ni molitvu nam ne primaju za molitvu ni kletvu za
kletvu
Iako vraždu jaku sa vragom stalno i stameno vodimo
Da oblasti se i vlasti vražje osvobodimo
I tako kroz silne zvijezde što jezde u krilu mjesečine
Izmed sokolara i gospara pokraj zdura i providura onkraj agalara
Krčimo kroz grče kroz sulude grane kroz dane od lane
Kroz dane od sjutra Kroz ova nam jutra
Sve kroz žive rane
S golubom u ruci koja nije naša S gavranom vranim što
na tjeme pane
Otkud kaži sada Kuda kaži tada Kuda kaži ikad
A zec kao zec Stalno na mjesecu Ovdje nikad
Opsjednuti vremenom što samo uđe u nas koji u njeg
nismo Nikto
Pamti li vrijeme koje iznevjerilo nije ikto
Idemo kroz dobar dan dobri dane dobrom danu gdje si
da si
Još se ne izliječismo od lijekova mnogih jer

Lijeka još ne nađosmo sim ove molitve od čare čarke
od vilne varke
I kletve ove od kletvenika mnogih do kletvenika ubogih
Zapreštaju vam dijavola sa ancilijašom akomirašom
cernicašom
Da ne prihodite ka metehu ka siemu
Al šta sam ja Glas vapijućeg u pustinji iako
Nisam bio ni drvodjelja ni ribar ni vodonosac iako
Nikad nisam jeo lipov krst ni kršćavao vodom
Moja nada je prst u stubu svjetlosti

Moja svjetlost je u nadi
Ona je vjera u koju ja vjerujem
Ta što nema imena
Ona je u dobrom danu kome kažem
Gdje si da si ako si
Kao što ste već čuli
Tako mu ja
A on nema uha
Pa nehajan kao tisuć i dva gluha
Otsjekli su ga zbog otvorenosti

Prema svim stranama slova
On nema ni glasa da san naš zatalasa
Glas su mu iščupali u grkljanu na sudu pravde
A ima pravde i osim nje i suda ima osim tog
kobnog suda
I neće dan imati moći sve do jednog dana
Sve do dana kad neće biti ni noći
Za dan taj nek lipte rane vijeka nek kipte rijeke srdite
ljubavi
Kroz tmuše i tmače neka sve jače moćni mačevi
Neka svi lijepi neka svi dobri svi ružni i gubavi
Do mrvice podijele ovo vino ove hljebove
Kao što ubice i žrtve podijeliše bratski ove grebove
Jer treba do kraja čuti ovaj plač i ovu pjesan
Da nas ne nahrani trulež
Da nas ne sahrani plijesan
Ne sudite nas po tom što nam je zamračeno lice
Na putu ka ljubavi to gazimo kroz smetove i vijavice
Kroz pupinje ovo kroz kupinje i lozje
Nek ptice jatimice na gozbu ovu groznu na ovo kameno
grozje
Kroz suro i oštro inje kroz vitice sive
Između moje molitve i kletve
Nek dođu one od vesne
Nek priđu te nebesne
Nek slete

Drobne lastavice
I kobne kukavice
Sve stajačice i lutalice

Sve pjevačice i šutalice
Prepelice jarebice i sjenice
Nek se u ruke ove zapletu
Nek se upletu u trepavice
Nek mi u sjećanje uđu
Kroz zjenice
Kroz ovo vito valovito
Kroz ovo vito
Vilovito
Jer
Na ovom putu
Sada smo prvi put zastali
Znajući da je vrijeme da vremenu pogledamo u oči
Vrijeme je da priznamo kako smo sastanak riječi i djela
uzalud čekali
(Na kraju valja i ovo reći s pravom mjerom u izrazu i
glasu -
Ako nam glas i nije stigao duboko do neba
Vrisnuli smo bar
Kako treba)

Pitao si me brate i pobrate za zbitije
Što kriju ih brotnje Brotnjice

Ja rekoh ti sve što sam o tome znao
A više od toga ako hoćeš da saznaš
Ti onda tad
Zapitaj
Ptice

hearts find rest

2011-02-14T16:19:00.003+03:00

" أَلاَ بِذِكْرِ اللّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوب"

سورة الرعد الآية 28

"Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest!"
Qur'an Surah 13 : aya 28

2011-02-14T02:08:00.002+03:00

it is just tracks in snow that would have testified to the presence on that day at that time in that place.. and perhaps a barking dog i was afraid of. a few pictures taken, shaken.. inevitable.
the snow has melted this year. nothing to see. nowhere to go. as tiesto would put it 'just be.'

Tonight

2011-02-12T16:23:00.003+03:00

It will be exactly a year ago tonight inshaAllah that I received a gift of poetry with a peculiar dedication.. Something about snakes and graves.. Perhaps it all had to do in some strange way with the origins of the author.. Stolac.. How I miss Hercegovina and beyond.. And so I leave you with a piece of it, to read, tonight..
Whilst an image plays in my mind of a meadow and a place to lay in.. without snakes.. without graves.

http://www.slovogorcina.ba/pjesme/dazd.html

worthy

2011-02-05T19:06:00.003+03:00

It is reward enough for worship that He has accepted you as worthy of it.

Hikam 90-Ibn Ata'Illah

the soundtrack to my days..

2011-01-26T15:03:00.002+03:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7oQEPfe-O8

This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I've left behind..

enough

2011-01-18T05:24:00.006+03:00

'.. Allah is enough for a protector, and Allah is enough for a Helper.' Qur'an chapter: an-nisa/women: aya/verse 45

Yes. Another day.. there’s a song that starts that way.. Yes, another day has passed. And what a day! masha Allah! In the case of God, Who has decreed it. It was a sunny day, eventually. Like I am sunny now, finally.
Such nonsense has been cob-webbing between my earlobes. You win some, you loose some. Only The Creator knows why He gives what He gives, and when. And all He gives we can handle. That is a fact. So yes, I can handle today.

Moving on. There’s hope on the horizon. New people to meet, new things to do. Old friends saying goodbye, new ones saying hello.

I must say this whole past experience of giving birth and all that it brought about really has been helpful to show who is who. And the disappointments have been quite mild. One friend just said ‘since you won’t talk about your happy or sad feelings, since you’ve built this concrete wall around yourself, you won’t be the first person i’ll call when i have something happy or sad to share.’ Fair enough. We all choose what we can and can not share, and why. I don’t mind concrete walls. They’re cosy, keep us nice and warm inside. Just us and God. And so it should be. Let mahala be mahala. Let people sin and speak of things they know nothing of. Let them eat my dead flesh. We all get payback time. Just not yet. But silence and patience are golden. And i’m livin’ my life like it’s golden golden!:)
For it is JUST that! No regrets. No second chances. THIS moment will never come back. THIS chance will never happen again. Our stay here is so brief. Let’s make the most of it! Prepare a nice welcome in the grave, and trust in God’s Mercy on Judgment Day. This is one life. It’s all you get to bank up. So let’s!

I’ve come to a place where I’ve found someone I love unconditionally. And so I don’t want to have him per se here. I just love him for the sake of Our Creator, for i see such beauty and goodness in him. And it makes me happy that he exists. And somehow, i can’t believe, but that by itself is enough. And I feel so much mercy and compassion for him and all he’s going through. And I pray for him. And I trust God will lead him. And I hope we’ll be together at the Eternal Place, looking at His Face if God wills. Amen!
Moving on yet again.
A very distressing revelation. I was shaken to the core, you know when tears come uncontrollably and you’re sitting there with a wet face, your mouth half-way to a sob, wondering why tha hell you’re bawling like a baby? yeah, like that. Well, turns out i’m not the only one who hasn’t wasted time falling in love again.. Incredible! And so.. i shouldn’t be upset, but i really was simply distressed. And after cussing back and forth with a sweet deary, i’m thinking i’m sure there are hidden blessings in this event. Just gotta wait for them and find them:) Does put a whole new spin on things!:) Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli haal.
May God help us and make us righteous babes! Amin!
muchos besos! ta taa
peace out

A sorta..

2010-07-18T23:06:00.003+03:00

this song.. it's stuck in my head tonight..
and i'm soooo sad..like a good book i can't put this day back.. a sorta fairytale with you..

Just a very weird day. A good day. A tasty day. Yet I ended up praying asr, tears pouring over me, weeping out loud.. This sudden accumulation of future insecurities, well-meant advice, too much tv and a family death..
The worst are the lies one feeds oneself. And forgetfulness.. when one forgets why one made the choices she made, why her life looks the way it does.. and forgets that it's the struggle that is a noble one, no matter what anyone says. And forgets that she KNOWS things, despite what others say and advise.. even though they seem to be right.

and i was ridin' by
ridin' along side
for a while till you lost me
and i was ridin' by
ridin' along till you lost me
till you lost
me in
the rear
view
you lost me
i said

way up north i took my day
all in all was a pretty nice
day and i put the hood
right back where
you could taste heaven
perfectly
feel out the summer breeze
didn't know when we'd be back
and i, i don't
didn't think
we'd end up like
like this

comment moderation

2010-07-03T02:52:00.003+03:00

'another insomniatic spree'.. must have been o.d.-ing on green tea for the day i suppose.. it was 33 celsius, i didn't dare tempt my fate and venture for a stroll.. so, with the shades down, i spent my hours in disbelief over the soccer score, and the semi-finalists, whilst eating chicken bastilla and staying subdued..
now, the heart is burning up again, and i'm just laying here, for God knows how long still, trying to be patient, and not to feel the itch on my facial skin, i'm guessing from too much sun and subsequent tan.
where i've come from, most recently, it's been raining for days..
it's strange though.. like that was a different life, a different century.. and now i'm here, like i never left. and it's good. and it's home. who would have ever thought to hear something like that coming out of my mouth. friends tell me home is where you feel most comfortable.. and there is just one place i feel most comfortable at i can think of at the moment.. but that's not an option.. so.. i suppose this, right here, right now, is home.
i wish i could explain this sadness that's been washing over me in tidal waves all day..i wish i could pin-point it and give it reason and result.. but i have none of that.. just what is. and that is such a lonely place to be.
maybe it has to do with my dinner party at an old friends tomorrow.. and all the conversations i'm dreading.. or the dr.phil episode i've watched today, in that same sun-room, with the shades down, hiding away..him talking about 'questions to ask yourself before making a decision'..
i don't do that anymore anyways. i just live.

'drink their milkshakes. take their love'

Suddenly..

2010-04-06T20:13:00.002+03:00

SubhanAllah! I just found out an ex co-worker of mine died this morning.. she was but a few years older then me.. And it stopped me dead in my tracks.. There I was today, crying and being bummed out for, among other things, blowing my job interview (I seriously blew it even worse then the last one..) And..of course, there was the dreams I woke from this morning, and the missing, and the longing.. And this apartment i moved back into last night, with all its memories that made me weep.. sob.. inhale.. then continue whaling some more.
Then this news hits.. She was the coordinator of a very prestigious project at the school we worked at. She always struck me as a very dedicated person, always working, always wanting the best for the administration, the curruculum and the kids. Always busy, busy, busy. I’m not sure if she ever got married, I know she wasn’t back when I worked there, 2 years ago.
The kids on facebook said she died of uterine cancer, may God protect us from it! So here I am. Pregnant. Loved by my loved ones. Blessed beyond belief, whaling away at my good fortune.. subhanAllah, I truly have been ungrateful for all the blessings God has showered me with today! And the worse thing is that I still wonder, how much time will I really have before my time comes.. and how prepared will I be for it. For you never know..your last breath can come at any random blink of an eye..
It also completely changes ones perspective regarding the futile and the mundane. All the petty desires one feels, all the little and the slightly bigger sins that might lead him away from the true and righteous path..from sincere remembrance of God in all.. every daily test one fails (and today, at that interview, once again it was clear that nothing will happen except that which Allah has decreed, and that He is Al Waqeel, the Only Protector, and not trusting in Him, but presuming to know what society at large wants is NOT the way to go.. one can not secure ANYTHING for himself, especially not in the wrong way.. all will come from God, if it is khayr). I cried at my weakness.. and her sudden death makes me want to purify myself truly, and persevere. Keep the nafs and the desires in check. inshaAllah.
May God shower my ex co-worker with His Mercy and may we meet in Jannah inshaAllah. Al-Fatiha.

love supreme

2010-03-31T20:31:00.007+03:00

I just came back from a very emotional afternoon.. And, like the rain that started falling when I went out, I feel blessed, watching the gray sky, the drops falling..for, no matter how bleak things may seem, there is a, sometimes hidden, blessing in everything.
I’m so happy to have had the chance to meet and love a precious soul God sent to me at a very difficult time with a very special reason.. To bring me back to God, to bring me back to peace.. Alhamdulillah. God made it possible for me to edge on despair, only to give me such insight and relief.. and I am ever so grateful mashAllah.
I was watching a lecture on tv the other day, and the man was talking about how sometimes Allah will bring you exactly to the border of what you can handle, and leave you there for a while.. and that even in the Noble Qur’an it is mentioned that some of the Prophets would wonder ‘when is Gods help going to come’, and that when a trial lasts very long, this is a natural response. And that God wants one last bit of effort, before He grants help and relief..
MashAllah! I feel so relieved to have come to know that the only true crisis worth having is the one where you realize that you don’t have much time here on earth, and that you have to come to know God and be close to God, until He becomes the eyes with which you see, the tongue with which you speak etc, as the hadith goes. Until you come to the perfect you, until you perfect your nafs (ego), aql (intellect), qalb (heart), ruh (spirit) and sirr (the original, saintly you). That is the only true path worth walking on.
Watching this documentary on the life journey of Imam Al-Ghazali http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZi-7bDCPL8 (may God bless him, my friend for sending me this link, and the makers for making it, amin) made me realize the truth. Now, I’m at the point of wondering how to set off on this journey myself. I can’t say I have enough knowledge of the deen, of arabic, of the aqeedah, of anything really.. Especially of the spiritual path.. But I have a strong desire to know. I have a strong yearning to be around those who know, to find a teacher. May God help me and give me strength. May He help us all and guide us towards His Light. Amin.
The loved one I spent the afternoon with today, who so sweetly cared for me, bought me food i like, tea i like, made me feel comfortable and pleased, also made me a little sad, saying that sometimes one feels like giving up on himself.
As long as we believe, God does not give up on us. And I believe He won’t let us give up on ourselves either. He is the Owner of Mercy! He can test us, but all the tests are there because He loves us, and He wishes us well, no matter how things may seem form the immediate experience. And we will be tested throughout life, God tells us this, that after we have said the shahadah, He will test us with different things, only to prove that we really MEAN IT, that we really DO believe. And we will be tested, will you oppress, will you hurt people, will you be moral, will you gain knowledge.. God tests us to see ‘Am I your Lord?’ And there is nothing, not money, fame, anything that is worth anything to come between you and your obedience to God. God gave you knowledge of right and wrong, He gave you fitra, and you are very precious! This world is complete with you, and is incomplete without you, and every one of us is a microcosm within.
So don’t be tied to anything in this world, be tied to God! He is The One, and He gives us all, and will take us all. There’s a hadith about Isa a.s., that he said: life is like a bridge. Don’t build your house on a bridge.
So, what I’m trying to say to myself, and to the one I love is that there is a light inside of us. It is our faith. And the fact that God has chosen US to know Him, while we did nothing to deserve this, He CHOSE US, is so amazing.. And the fact that we are believers makes us precious as the most beautiful diamonds in the whole world! And it is on us to now guard this, to guard it with our life, and to never give up on believing and being better and doing our best to come to know God, for how can we love God if we don’t know God? So let us now start a journey to perfect ourselves, to become the best version we can be, so that God will inshaAllah love us and be pleased with us. Let us keep company of good people who are better then us, let us find time in the night to be alone with God, doing zikr, let us purify our niyyah for everything we do. When we go to sleep ‘bismillah, i sleep so that my body can rest so I can serve God and be a khalifa on earth’, when we help somebody ‘bismillah, i help this person because i want to please Allah’ etc. And let’s start being conscious of who we are, and how we feel, and why we do what we do. Carry a pad of paper, and a pen, write down how ou feel, how you are, because knowing ourselves will help us know God.
Let us improve. InshaAllah, God will help us and guide us to His Love and Good Pleasure. And that will be the ultimate success inshaAllah! All the rest are just illusions of the dunya.
Let this love we feel and the beauty we’ve experienced this afternoon be what drives our spirits toward The Wadud! Let there be a positive force of our every encounter in drawing closer to God.
The sky is blue now, with pink on white clouds, as maghreb, and a new day approaches.. Let this be the first day of our new life. In love. In faith. In our journey to God. inshaAllah. Amin.

I can’t help but finish with some lyrics. Of course by Ani.

hour follows hour
like water follows river
everything is governed by the rule
of one thing leads to another
you can't really place blame
cuz blame is much too messy
some was bound to get on you
while you were trying to put it on me
and don't fool yourself
into thinking things are simple
nobody's lying still the stories don't line up
why do you try to hold on
to what you'll never get a hold on
you wouldn't try to put the ocean
in a paper cup
cuz i have had something to prove
as long as i know there's something
that needs improvement
and you know that every time i move
i make a woman's movement
and first you decide
what you've gotta do
then you go out and do it
and maybe the most we can do
is just to see each other through it
hour follows hour like water in a river
and from one to the next
we don't know what each hour will deliver
we just call it like we see it
call it out loud as we can
and then afterwards we call it all water over the dam
maybe the moral higher ground
ain't as high as it seems
maybe we are both good people
that have done some bad things
i just hope it was okay
i know it wasn't perfect
i hope in the end we can laugh
and say it was all worth it
cuz i have had something to prove
as long as i know something
that needs improvement
and you know that everytime i move
i make a woman's movement
and first you decide what you've gotta do
then you go out and do it
and maybe the most that we can do
is just to see each other through it
we make our own gravity to give weight to things
then things fall and they break and gravity sings
we can only hold so much is what i figure
try and keep our eye on the big picture
picture keeps getting bigger
and too much is how i love you
too well is how i know you
and i've got nothing to prove this time
just something to show you
i guess i just wanted you to see
that it was all worth it to me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TF0rRy60zKg

and so it is..

2010-02-13T03:08:00.002+03:00

just like you said it would be..life goes easy on me, most of the time.. there are times of enormous blessings, and some self-evoked great plunges that make me ache so very deep.. and i'm sure it's all good.. i don't even worry anymore.. i just let life lead me.. i say yes every time. no matter what. no matter how it might end.. i'm not afraid of life anymore. it'm curious. and i'm wondering when i'll learn to properly listen (if ever).. God knows.. but it's all part of the life i'm given, and the choices i get to take and make..and take responsibility for..yeah. i do. i always do.

May God steal from you..

2009-10-20T20:32:00.003+03:00

:)
Yeah, there's this one person who pushes me.. Makes me question my own beliefs, only to come back to them with a new conviction, deeper understanding of them and me. Like the latest.. how love is supposedly selfish. Well..it made me wonder. In a narrow sense, yes, it can be said that all we claim to love, we love because of the feeling of love we get from it. This is a plausible and possible theorem in some cases. And, following this trail of thought, all we do when we love we do to keep feeling love (love being such an intangible concept at that.. i wonder at what point kids get instilled in them the concept of love, and gain a true appreciation of it? or is it part of fitra, the natural state of goodness we're all born with..?)

As a biologist, I wonder if love really only is produced by brain endorphins as a reaction to a trigger of well-being? And if, simply by adding endorphins one could simulate love in a brain..:) the unanswered questions that pulled me to enter this scientific field way back in high-school, with the hormones raging and me trying to keep a clear head and spirit:)

In any case.. May God steal from you all that steals you away from Him, said Rabia. The first time I saw this it made me frown, then smile with the power of this statement. For it is this in fact, that is the cause of all excess. Even excessive love, lust, passion. Having the focus shifted from God to something of His creation, overtly and ultimately leads to obsessive love, and despair.

How can we love God if we have not come to know God properly? If we know so little of theological concepts and principles, if we know so few of Gods attributes? If we have but expressed just a few of the 99 of His Beautiful Names He has expressed in every one of us, by creation.

How can we love anything in creation if we aren't able to love Him utterly. Makes me think of this beautiful picture of the Ka'ba, and written underneath:

Surrender utterly. Love is no slight thing.

:) MashAllah. I think I even have that picture posted someplace, in the earlier entries. Love is something we can feel one-sidedly, or for what seems like an eternity. i mean, how else can you explain Garcia Marquez's success? or Camilla and Charles? Yes, we can be with other people in the meantime, but love can make us buzz up from our seat every time, even after a very very long time, we see the beloveds face, or get a letter or a glimpse of their life.

Makes me smile. Like i've been there.

Perhaps it is in some way the love affair we have with God. The utterly sublime moments when we feel drawn closer to Him, when we feel cradled by Him, and so wonderfully blessed that neither body nor soul can really contain, let alone express the joy and happiness felt. Like the most intimate moments you have. Like the most intimate moments you share.

I don't believe all love is a trade-off. I don't believe that there's always an internal or external motivator of love. Sometimes, you love for naught. Or worse, despite yourself. Gaining nothing but suffering in return.
I suppose that's how a believer sometimes feels too. Like you love despite the struggles you encounter. NOT because you're expecting any presents from God. But because you understand God as The One. Because you're grateful to Him for creating you. Because you know and are fully aware that it is His Will that is being done at any given moment. You get to tap into that with the free will He gave you. But to God, you are insignificant and very significant both. As is the person you love, the leaf that's falling off a tree, the grain of sand on a beach.

All is full of love..all around you..all is full of love..
maybe not from the sources you have poured yours in
maybe not from the direction you are staring at
trust your head around
it's all around you
all is full of looooove
all around you:)

I love Bjork. See. Quite selflessly. She nor I gain anything from it. Yes, her music makes me feel good at times. But it's her spirit that moves me. So I love my spirit to be moved? I like the feeling of growth as a person? Perhaps. But rather, I'd say that we've met somewhere before. And her singing of these things makes me recognize her from there, from this place where all we were was something else. Makes me feel like the knowledge she's sharing, the talent she's got resonates and lifts me up, and takes me back to there. And i like to resonate. Perhaps that's all love is in the end. A string on a harp that plays music of God.
:)
much peace/salaam

human

2009-10-11T02:54:00.006+03:00

so i'm reading the UNDP human development report, which ranks the amount of human development i guess.. and in 2009 Holland ranked 6th, in the 'very high human development' category, while Bosnia ranks 70 places later, in the 'high human development', preceded by both thieves of the land of Palestine and serbia, both harboring mass murderers.. Somalia is not even on the list, but judging from the ranking of its neighbours, it would come into the 'low human development' category, almost solely reserved for African nations and those that are being colonised now via missiles and other us force (good going for their prez, what does he care, he pocketed the white dove, coughed up by the interest money on the invention prior to einsteins deadly theory).
Well now.

"The human development index measures the average achievements in a country in three basic dimensions of human development: a long and healthy life, knowledge and a decent standard of living."

is this what makes someone human?

my grandma (may God have mercy on her) lived to be 84. Long. Mostly healthy. She had soooooo much knowledge mashAllah. But i think since it was only 4 grades of formal education (or was it 8?), her knowledge of sowing and reaping, of sewing clothes, making carpets and baking coffee, then letting my grandpa grind it by hand, making sweet of quince or roses, her vast knowledge of the Qur'an, even on her death bed correcting, even only through her most beautiful green eyes, my aunt as she mispronounced an aya from surah ya sin wouldn't count. for what, but the formal knowledge, can make someone human, right?

and what of the standard of living? does wealth make one more human? more kind? more alive? or does it, more often then not, turn people into machines, where they can only work, eat and sleep. here, when people come to visit me, they often are struck with awe over the many cafe's and the easy pace of the city, people strolling about, welcoming you into their homes, serving you the best they have, engaging in conversation, relating to you, going out of their way to please you, so you will have a good time, so you will remember them with a smile. and you do. and that is human.

to see the other. to be genuinely interested in the other. to wish the other better then to your self. your nafs. to have your heart in the right place. not your money, your home or your grave. your heart. in this way, it may very well be that the list would be shuffled about, and most countries one has never heard of, and couldn't locate if their life depended on it, on a map, would be over in the 'very high human development' category.

but most human of all is to come to know God.

to worship Him is to be on the path to get to know Him.

For, of all His creation, only we are the expression of all of His
99 Beautiful Names.

And we have it in us to attain them.

To become beautifully human:)

go Jill!:)

funny life

2009-10-06T22:49:00.005+03:00

It's heavy, the void loosing a friend can leave in a person. It's not just the companionship you miss, the texts, phone calls and time together.. especially if you're inseparable. Especially if it's your best friend.. And it can really weigh down on you. Make you listen to sad, depressing music, make you cranky toward your loved ones at home, make you smile less, incorporate that earnest look in your irises when you forget to think, when you think no one's watching..
it's strange how every little thing reminds you of that person. For a while. Depending on the person, it wears off. Slowly. Especially if you simply replace them with a new friend. Although best friends are sparse.
But.. it's also funny, how a long lost best friend can all of a sudden re-appear, and make you wonder what you did to deserve such a wonderful blessing. (Well, then again, do we ever really 'deserve' any of Gods gifts?)
My oldest and best friend from way back high-school days did just this. And I have no words for how amazing our time together was! The love for her as a being, her kindness, shyness, her opinions and humanness.. i soo soooooo love her. Her amazement when, not too long ago, she had realised that in fact there ARE people who simply don't care about other people, animals, the earth! how sweet that is..
I'm blessed to have her as a friend. Makes me, as so many things do lately, think of the aya 'inna ma al usri yusra'
And it was perhaps some 6 months ago i was there, at a drama therapy weekend workshop, bawling in front of two dozen psych folks over the distance between my latest best friend and i..
Makes my belief even firmer that, whatever happens, in the end, will be called 'good', since everything results in a blessing eventually.
Alhamdulillah for that:) Alhamdulillah for everything. Alhamdulillah God decided He wanted me to be brought into existence! Before that, there was no me. No you. No anybody. How He has honoured us with this very decision. How dare i be anything but grateful.. May He help us know Him. ameen!

: )

2009-09-02T00:52:00.009+03:00

I keep telling myself to stay away.. got another article to write, need some serious sleep (let's not dwell on the topic..;) today during mukabela (the unique practice you'll find in Bosnia where a juz a day is read by hafiz-ul-Qur'an in the mosques after fajr, before or after dhuhr or asr)i almost fell asleep.. oh wait, dwelling on it again..:) i don't mean to.. but the place i went to is the best place for mukabela, since the hafiz also does tafsir..mashAllah..and it is only recently that, even though i've read the Qur'an so often Alhamdulillah, i have actually started REALLY imagining all the trials of the various Prohpets a.s... Like the other Thursday, reading Al Kahf and for the first time not being surprised Musa asked so many (silly? i ask you!) questions like 'why did you kill that boy'! I mean, if I saw a guy I'm following and think I can learn things from killing a boy in front of my very eyes, I can't imagine reacting any different..
Same thing today: Yusuf's brothers go and say in front of him (after he's been so generous, let them have all the food PLUS the goods they came to trade, and they came back for more!) 'take Benjamin, his brother (Yusuf) before him was a thief too'.. subhanAllah.. and he just goes and asks God to forgive them trying to kill them, since it was not their own evil, but the virus of envy inserted in them by the enemy of us all, the prime jelous one! may Allah protect us.. subhanAllah.. all these stories, it's like i'm reading them for the first time, imagining what i would do if i was placed there, in such a situation.. would i have patience, would i react differently.. and i mostly discover my pitiful state of being and ask God to elevate me inshaAllah and give me sabr jameel.. the beautiful patience.. oh how i long for some of that.. the patiance that makes you happy to bear whatever it is you're bearing.. with a smile.. with a light heart.. for you know God sees and rewards beautiful patience.. ours is just to keep it. inshaAllah..
I will leave you with another bit I have never (I don't think) noticed as such before.. is it because never before have I hoped to be one of these.. or just that my heart sooo longs for Gods House and the Lighted City with Rasool a.s. and the magnificent Rawdah?
be amazed and pray we're one of these inshaAllah:
"O our Lord! I have made some of my offspring to dwell in an uncultivable valley by Your Sacred House (the Kabah at Makkah); in order, O our Lord, that they may perform As-Salat (Iqamat-as-Salat), so fill some hearts among men with love towards them, and (O Allah) provide them with fruits so that they may give thanks.

missing

2008-11-14T01:45:00.004+03:00

my darlings,

I'm home again. it's a lovely day, an early day, a past day. 'a sorta fairytale' is the soundtrack of these days. it ought to be surah Kahf, but i've misplaced my halaqa partners.. most of them that is. a friend of mine did invite me to dance class on Thursday eve's, but i declined. how could i, after being at dr. Umar's dhikr go off and dance this blessed time away?
i'm still so very amazed at how thin the line in my heart is between blessed state of being, the grateful kind, and the shrew and lewd kind, the dunya kind. and so i remember this saying that everything that is within you you get reflected from what's around you. and i do. i wish God would bless me with power to fight it, more iman vitamins, a clearer sense of purpose and direction.
it's sad in a way. how you always expect more then what's realistic/real/possible. i wonder if it's an innate thing of us people, or of optimists (which i wish i was, but i recently, the last couple of years i guess, probably lean more towards the cynics i'm afraid). i wonder how i seem to expect more from people, and not enough of myself i guess. so i end up disappointed in folks. end up feeling betrayed somehow. like they didn't deserve my loyalty, my trust, my complete love.. i'm probably delusional about that too, since i probably never gave them that, but i seem to think i might have.
but i'm detesting these life lessons, for i wonder if they're real themselves. i wonder if i'm allowed to base these conclusions on a few disappointments in people i trusted, and thought would be there for me when things got tough.
a girlfriend of mine always used to tell me to complain to Allah and to not expect anything from creation. so i started living by this philosophy, but then had a conversation with someone who said i dam right ought to expect things from people. that friendships made no sense otherwise.
i feel so foolish. i feel like i'm 16 again, and know nought. i've been travelling a bit, and most of my friends seem to know and DO so much more then me. know who they are, what they want, where they're going. and i'm just sitting here, with this soundtrack to my life..
and the sad thing is that no one is ever even gonna read this, or reply..
oh, what a pity party for me :)
yeey!

Sadness

2007-03-19T01:32:00.000+03:00

What's left to say with all that's come and gone
Words get in the way and anyway the devils got your tongue
And a storm brews inside and there's nowhere to hide
It's gonna blow your cover sky high
But if you let this thing go, it's gonna burn, it's gonna burn
You're gonna take the whole world with you when you go

Oh oh oh what you gonna do ?
When the storm takes over
Oh oh oh what you gonna do ?
When the storm takes over

So here you are, demons screaming in your head
You try to shut them out but they just get louder instead
And nothing you do can seem to break through
This darkness smothering you
When it takes hold, your heart turns cold
The very soul seeps out of you

Oh oh oh what you gonna do ?
When this storm, this storm takes over you
Can you hold this thing
Can you hold this thing
Oh oh oh oh oooh

'Til the clouds clear

ReBirth

2006-12-12T13:50:00.000+03:00

Maria was born a few days ago. MashAllah she's so lovely!
I'm back home. I'm seeing hujjaj off here, I'm wishing back what was last year, where I was last year. Something's happening around me, and all I do is sit silent, observing, not intervening except in personal tragedies I invent and undo, the stupid curcumstances I slalom through.
I remember a lot of things, like the reason for covering, like the reason for this blog. Somehow, it seems I have been so focused on the other, on that what was outside of me, trying to pull it in, draw it to me. And then, I realized that all that was, was bad intention. All that was something worth nothing. All that was was a ticket to pain, not to life.
I've become tired. And now I'm catching up on all the love and kindness and company I had missed for so long. It's amazing to be here, among my own people. Just the other day, browsing the market place with a new friend, simple things on signs posted on cabbage piles strike me and my eyes go teary in a flash. I suppose I would have never gotten so sentimental if I had been here all the time. It's the things you miss and get that make you appreciate and feel blessed.
More and more I'm coming back at my place of beginning. I'm in the house I left when I left. Most of the furniture's different, but the events are still fresh. Now I'm making new memories. On the washing machine, on the sofa, in the kitchen. Nights pass by in conversations with friends, sharing coffee and food, laughs and wisdom. I watch buildings disappear and reappear out of the white fog that has a tendency to set around everything, making us all strangers to eachother, making us all wonder if we too will just vanish without trace. The currents that surround us assure us we will, we must pay for our faith for our loss of our selves, and circle us like wolfs, like hungry birds with two-meter wingspan, waiting for the first chance to take us down again, make us bleed again, create memories of violence and blood on our sidewalks, streets, make us burry our dead in the city parks, make us victims of our own neglegance till all remained are trances in our names not manners, while we wait, and comemmorate days of the communist regime when at least all had rightious school and hospital access..
I'm thinking of doing a portrait of us. I will start interpersonally, and zoom out to the family, the community, the country. We have more then 5000 years of history in us, my new friend said the other day, it has left its traces on us, in us, our genes and behaviour have been subdued to it.

And yet, I feel African and American and Mayan and Persian and Aboriginal too.. All traces on me. All can touch me asif I'm from there. All can soften me too..
Hoobaale... Waku ja'ala hey Rouki :)

Plastic

2006-03-14T03:40:00.001+03:00

salaamz my darlin'z

yes, I'm here. In the state where all is huggin an lovin and the tv commercials include a whole lot of steak, shrimp and corndogs. I did nothing else but watch tv all day tryin to blend into this culture I mostly find disgusting, appalling and downright BAD. Yet I saw Hamza Yusuf on yesterday. And you know I've NEVER seen Hamza Yusuf, or anybody who could tie his shoelaces on either Dutch or (and now I'm exaggerating a bid) Bosnian tv. Here, I'm surrounded by people who aren't all of you. People I love, people who I turn to to turn to God. I miss that. I watch early morning sessions with priests and preachers just so I can remember God. It don't matter our relegion ain't the same, God is God, just One, and Bible, its true version is a Book I believe in. I miss God here though. I see now, like I see so often, different things our religion preaches, except I so often see it by lack of..if this sentence made any sense what so ever that is.. I mean: i start noticing things are so RIGHT in islam when I'm left without. I remember why God ordered us to be in Jamaah, community of believers, to go to the mosque, to be with believers, to go to Jumah every Friday. It ain't for nothing.
When you're amidst a society and people that live shallow, and care about the looks and the dough, it's real weird to think and speak of the Truth, of God. My stepsister doesn't even talk Bosnian back at me, but English.. What is THAT?? It secures my conviction that I definitely DO NOT wish to raise my children here in the west. This culture is all wrong. Here, maturing of kids is shown by baring as much af your bootey as you can, and walking about like a .... Having a kid whilst wondering who the daddy might be, that kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, Bosnia won't be much different in a few years, I know. The difference is: I wonna do something about those kids, all those kids are my kids. I want to work with them, I want to do good by them, for my Lord. Here, I just feel the seduction all round me. I feel weak here. I feel like I too would like to get on tv, just so I could yell at people: you don't NEED to be on tv to be somebody! You need to stop watching tv, pick up a book, paint a painting, crochet for all I care, but ' get up, get out and do somethin' like Macy Gray put it. Just GO! It's not about cash, it's not about keeping up appearances, or about being a celeb for 15 seconds. I watch these shows on mtv (where the only music is a soundtrack to another reality show) where 20 young, pretty girls kiss and do other things with this 40-year old guy not even worth describing, both regarding intellect and looks. They stoop so low, they dish it all out, just to be picked. Just to be on tv. Just to get noticed. But attention is not love. Attention in this case is just use. People have forgotten what it is they love receiving from others. Things like a smile, a kind word, a good-night whisper. Mothers love. A child's arm around your neck. Not just flesh. Not just cash. These are not things to be craved after, yearned for. These are portraits of sicknesses all about.
I write all this because I feel poisoned here. I feel a yearning for the plastic that's on tv. How many of you remember the band Aqua, in the late nineties?:) ' I'm a barbi girl in my barbi world, life in plastic, it's fantastic...' It breathes here. It's real here. I need to stop.
And when I do salaah on my sarjadah I got in Mekkah, with an embroidery of Ka'aba on it, I feel so far.. I feel so lost. And I'm just 2 months away, I'm just on the other side of the planet.. Ya Allah, Ya Rabbi, Ya Ghaffaar.. Samo tebe molim ja, ucini da dzennet bude moja zadnja stanica.. thanks to Meli.
Love ya all. Pleaaaase keep me in your duas. Without Allah, our lives are nothing, not worth mentioning or living. But on a more happier note: the slaughterer, the guy my dad said was worse then Hitler in enscening the biggest slaughter, concentration and rape camps in Europe since the second world war had his last breath 2 days ago. Like my grandma (allahrahmetile) used to say: no ones (life,rage,evil) is eternal. I pray that against all those who have harmed us. Either that, or for their guidance. Peace my lovelies. Miss you so much.

Dignity

2006-02-27T21:04:00.000+03:00

I’m still a bid shivery. Like I said.. I guess it wasn’t so much the freezing cold and the wind that slices off the North Sea shore, but the names.. all the names.. read aloud by and to people that are aching. All the names.. The simple realisation that, as they roll off your tongue, they trigger masses of memories, of feelings in someone, for that one person, one of more then ten thousand, that are dead, that are still to be found. I stopped counting a long time ago. Last year, I think some thousand in total were exhumed and buried. One thousand in ten years. I couldn’t go. I’ve been to Srebrenica twice, went to the memorial centre and all. Read the Fatiha to all the shuhada.. But as I was standing, shivering in the cold today for hours on end, because the list of names is in a way endless, holding the embroidered pillow covers with the names of all the victims, I smelled Bosnia. I smelled it as I brought my fingers to wipe away my watery cheeks, whilst still holding the embroidery.. I smelled my home, all the pain and some sense of peace came over me. They’re all in a better place now, but we’re here to make sure we don’t let it happen to us again.

Not to let us be protected by those who have no faith and no honour. No humanness. No dignity. I just finished reading ‘Purple Hibiscus’ by Chamamanda N. Adiche, a Nigerian novelist. At this one point, the main characters, Nigerians, drive by the British-built University Campus, where there’s a statue of a lion on its hind legs, reaching for the sky. A plaque is at it side, and says: ‘to restore mans dignity.’ And this cheeky seventeen year old boy comments ‘when did man loose his dignity?’ I think right about the time he lost his honour.

Right about the time he became a coward. An insigne of the western colonial powers we’re immersed in. Their trademark so to speak. Their character trademark, or better yet a sign that shows the lack of it.. Not one of the members of the Dutch parlament that were invited to read the names with us showed up. Just two cancelled..

I’m shivering. Not due to the chill of the wind, but of the emotion of it all..

No Fear

2006-02-27T20:55:00.000+03:00

My darlin’z, I know I have left you for a long long time, trying to adjust to being back, being off the natural rush one cannot escape when there, where all hearts yearn to be. InshaAllah we’ll go together again:)
At the eve of another sharade that will start tomorrow, another pocket-filling venture for those that love this world so much, more then truth and justice and rightiousness, at the eve of another probable rape of Bosnia and its people by the international community, this time by their international court of ‘justice’/tribunal that starts tomorrow in The Hague, I sit here in a diar attempt to recapture my state, a state so different from my current state unfortunately (my dear Meli calls it ‘dever-dunya’:) Here’s a slightly edited letter I wrote to a loved one on the third of Dhul-Hijja, just a few days after arrival to Mekka, and a few before the hotel collapse, the fire in our hotel (which turned out not to be a fire Alhamulillah, but little did we know coming down from the 18th floor, down the narrow stairs where concerened Hajji’s-to-be found it suitable to carry down their complete worldly posessions in form of suitcases about the same size as their own selves, obstructing everyone’s passage:) and a few days before the beginning of Hajj.

I’m a bid sleepless tonight, so I wanted to talk at you for a wink. I thought of you. I was doing tawaaf today after isha, and came across this bunch of Bosnians I recognised from behind, in ihram. I was with my darling friend from Schotland. We’re so blessed MashAllah! A year ago her mum went, and she and I were so wanting to go too. I remember the state my taqwa and iman were in. I remember how she helped me pull through may Allah reward her mulitifold Ameen! And I said to her today: ‘these are my people.’ And right after, I said: ‘I’m so moving back to Bosnia in August inshaAllah.’ and added: if it’s khayr. Ameen!

I have a sense of Sakeena when thinking about future in general here. It’s SubhanAllah. I love this state. May Allah elevate us in rank ameen! Just circling the Ka’aba, knowing this is Allah’s House on earth, a place you come to to testify His Sovereingty and His Glory. I was thinking about what I once wrote you, about Allah putting us where we’re needed, both in physical and metaphysical sense. This, relating to seeing them Bosnians, and this strong, sharp acke of nostalgia piercing my heart. Then I thought: ‘SubhanAllah, I’m in Mekka right now. I don’t know if I’ll ever leave it alive. Allah has invited me here, and chosen me of all His servents to come and worship Him Alone. Right here, right now.’ The multitude of the due gratefullness exceeds my mortal capacities, and I fall short praising Him. I do as I can. May He help me and forgive me Ameen!
I was thinking about what you said the other day, how you never think of the effect you have on people. I’ve come to understand that you deal with the mega, and the grand. Yet my life mostly evolves at micro-level, and I often fear that I’m not doing half a decent job even at that. May Allah protect us from the evils of our nafs Ameen!

The amazing thing here, that is different from Medina, is that there’s no more distinction. Mostly, people wear white. The lovely women from Senegal and Burkina Faso are hardly recognisible as such, by the lack of the bright scarves and draping. Every once in a while, you see a bag that says ‘University of this of that’, and you know this is an educated one. But none of that really matteres here. The only prestige and the measurement that matteres is that of human-ness. The tangerine shared in between salaats, the soft pull to sit on a sarjada, even if it’s not yours, the room you give to people to pass in front of you during tawaaf.. All the random acts of kindness that show and testify that there is no deity worthy of worship except Allah s.w.t. For even though we’re here to get His Good Pleasure inshaAllah, and ensure a pleasent Abode in the Akhirah, He has tought us and is testing us here. It is our conduct here towards all of Creation that will work for or against us, but in the end, all is still up to Allah and His Boundless Love and Mercy. When seeing Ka’aba one would think only of Allah, but it’s your expressions, your manners, your love here and now that will either draw you nearer to Him or farther away. It’s crystal clear. I guess I needed to come here to realise that. This, and the complete dependency for sustinance I have, we all have on Allah, and the boundlessness of His Ability and Mercy. For Him, nothing is impossible. To say this is one thing, to feel it in your every pore is something else. And I feel it now, and trust and depend on this belief. Also when it comes to future. It doesn’t scare me. Life doesn’t scare me. Every salaah is followed by a janaaza. Every day I see a dead person carried away. Here, dunya doesn’t distract as much. There are no brands, no mtv, noone is cool, all are just white and here to worship. There is no soccer game or music in the street. All you hear is Qur’an. All you see are people that dressed in their best to answer their Lord. The only rush hours are those preceeding salaah, when streets overflow with people. And the shops and vendors put covers or draw blinds, and go to salaah too. No evil. No prejudice. No reason not to put a sticker with ‘la ilaha ilaLlah’on the back of your truck window. Ain’t nobody gonna smash it ‘cause you’re Muslim here! No fear, except of Allahs Wrath. Complete surrender. True islam. Lived between fear and hope. Never putting little quarrels to rest, to sleep over. You might not wake up. It’s so easy to seek forgiveness of Allah and people here. Ego is bashed. Every rakah you pray might be your last, so praying extra is like breathing: can’t do without. I wish you were here. Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. I was a tad sleepless you see..:)

salaamz
E

New Year's

2006-01-30T16:10:00.000+03:00

:) Yes, we were very happy to have missed all the fireworks and all the other non-sense activities associated with the passing of the next supposed year.. Since time is nothing in truth. It's just a system we use to calculate, like weight is nothing untill girls start getting anorexia not understanding the concept of 'mutual agreement' that something relatively unreal exhists.. but anyways :)

Today IS the first day of 1427 so Happy New Year all :) You are in my dua's.
InshaAllah may Allah give us even more unexpected gifts and forgive our past transgressions, and those we are yet to commit. Ameen! I know I should work on my exam coming Friday, and this report that's due today, so I'll be brief. Just got this cool link I wanted to link you to, with gorgious (is that the spelling?) pictures and impressions of Hajj.
http://universes-in-universe.de/islam/eng/2005/028/index.html
Hope you'll get as emotional and inspired as I was. Thanks Fir for the link ;) JazakAllah!
Yalla wassalaam:)

2006-01-27T19:47:00.000+03:00

Peace to you all all around the globe:) It’s the end of another day here. Wish I could say ‘ a hard-working day’, but unfortunately.. :) Rouki and I have picked our ‘lanterfant’-tradition back up, and are having 2-hour lunches just as before.. Oh, and before I forget, Rouki has officially requested for the blog to be mine, so now you know (since she didn’t post anything, but will soon inshaAllah on wijblijvenhier.nl) Kindda goes together with the whole ‘changing of name’ bizz my roomy and I have started with:) See, first she was reading this book, Mutant Message Down-Under, and as it so often goes (like with the heavy-weight ‘A suitable boy’ for instance, though it was simply heavy in kilo’s not so much in literary terms in my view:) I started reading it too (last Sunday, when I was half-dead, half-alive, and resting heavily for the first time in months:) so.. in any case, this book is very new-age-ish, and most of the ideas were old news to me, but interesting to review in any case.. since I get bombarded with it at the art therapy thing anyways, but oh well.. so, one of the notions was that people shouldn’t celebrate their birthdays, but celebrate when they discover new talents in themselves they want to explore, and when they feel they’re a better human being. SO: we thought long and hard about our talents (well, her more then me, she accused me of already doing these type of things at school so much it comes naturally, and she might be right;) and came up with a few things. Then we decided what we want to start wearing as our new names (since my lovelies keep calling me rainbow, duga, ovcica itd:) perhaps this was a desperate attempt to put a stop to that:))) So, since Neez darling gave me the ‘ Reflections of pearls’ dua book, JazakAllah again lovely sis, I keep reading the 99 beautiful names of God, and there was this one that kept me smiling every time I came to it.
It was Al Barr, The One Who Treats With Kindness.
Since this was one of my most recent lessons in life, and something I aspire to attain inshaAllah. For this is what I saw in Mekka. That this is what it was essentially all about. How you treat those around you. You’re surrounded by people all the time. And angels that record your conduct. It’s about what you do, and what you put up with in order avoid hurting anyone. And this is such a gentle and fragile balance, since sometimes you also need to watch out to preserve yourself in the process. We were just talking about that during our long lunch today: that it’s not about being right, but about doing right by others, while preserving your basic needs. Or something like that:) I’m tired, it’s been a long day.
So anyways, when I think of someone who treats all with kindness, I always think of my Irani friend.. She’s so sweet and such a darling, and always remains sweet and pure as a tear.. or should I say a crystal, perhaps that’s a better, more positive thing to say..
I was just talking to our darling in Malasya, and it’s amazing how God gives you struggle at a time you’re strong, full of iman- vitamins, and can handle it. Even when you’re convinced it’s sooooo hard, you still can. He gives you strength, and surrounds you with so much beauty and support from people, it’s so SubhanAllah.. And you just KNOW He answers your dua’s! Like this situation I had most recently, something that should have been so disappointing and hard, but just wasn’t, for it was a dua answered. All is in His Knowledge, and even though you think you really want some things in life, in His Wisdom, He gives you what is best for you at this moment. Every moment. Ya Rahman!

copyright by Roukis bro

So, I want to leave you with a gorgeous picture of the Prophet’s peace be upon him and Allahs Mercy, mosque, with the green dome positioned right above his saws resting place.

copyright by moi

The next one is a special picture I wanted to share with Meli, for I was transfixed in the Masjid Al Haraam by the pretty calligraphy on the walls and just HAD to make a picture and show you. Once, I tried to copy it by hand, but it was kindda high up, so it didn’t look like much, so I sneaked in my camara just for you and me:) Wish I was there to show you the rest of the pictures, but will soon inshaAllah. First going to my daddies though, booked a flight the other day, and was soooo excited:) yeey, I finally get to see his new house and all inshaAllah.
Ok, much love and peace and lovely things, I’ll inshaAllah see most of you at our little post-Hajj get-together tomorrow, and I’ll think of the ones of you who can’t come. You’re in my duas, as you were on Arafah!
Love youuu
E

We serve

2006-01-23T15:08:00.000+03:00

:) For those of you who wandered about the pictures, I'll give you 2. Or 3 perhaps, if you're good and promise to behave:)

copyright by moi
this fist one is of Storm and I and her bro and my mum (you can all not see in the picture:) climbing the Mountain of Light/ Jabal An-Nuur... The place the revelation came.. A far away place, very distant from Makkah.. Standing here, we thought we were there, but it turned out there's this whole other part you need to climb on and then off a bid, to get to the cave. At this moment, we only had our expectations, and legs that were trembling with lactose acidification.. We had encountered a few intersting and funny things on our way up (like a Camel all decorated you can take pictures with!!:) I'll leave the rest of the story as a cliffhanger, so you'll find it necessery to come to our party next Saturday to hear the rest inshaAllah:)

copyright by moi again
The next picture is my view while tucked in my sleeping bag on Muzdalifah.. :) very romantic, except when you're freezing cold, like my mom and the men were, for they didn't want to put anything sown on top of themselves while in ihraam.. I cannot describe that night. It was full of hardships and unexpected graces from God.. the way life is I guess.. and over so fast, in a blink of an eye that might or might not have slept that night/this life away.. let me not get too phylosophical:)

ok, ok, let me give you the final satisfaction, a picture taken on the last day we went to do tawaaf al wada' , the departing tawaaf that breaks your heart because you know you should turn and walk away, not look at Ka' aba anymore, and leave Makkah as soon as possible, I guess to not linger and wait to hear the actual cracking of your heart.. I thought: subhanAllah, such true islamic sunnah and phylosophy, to actually ' forbid ' looking back at something that draws you closer to it with every sight, but to make you decisive, and not to prolong goodbyes.. Something I get from my dad I guess, just say goodbye and leave, not linger and not cry (too much at least..it's hard to see a fathers tear..) My mom took this picture, without me knowing, she wanted me to be in it, though I didn't know, and when she asked it plainly afterwards, I didn't want one that looks like a postcard, with me on it in full attire. Ka'aba, and its beauty cannot be captured in pixles and bites.. you need to go there. So even though there's no point in putting it here, it's just for you my lovelies, especially the ones that are stationed in the various parts of the world, and I'll mostly get to see in the summer inshaAllah. BarakAllahu fiik. Love
Elvira

copyright by moi for the third time

bits and pieces

2006-01-20T20:17:00.000+03:00

i'm back at the Uni.. Got a little position as an assistent at our institute, which means cash inshaAllah, and I'm already planning my next trip:) (Don't tell them this!) You know me:) The difficult part is, there are so many options: Bosnia, ofcourse, then Istanbul's been proposed, NYC was voted against by my mommie, but Andalusia's still in, as is visiting my daddy, but where I'd love to spend all my money on the most is the 2006 Rihla.. Oh how I long to go.. May Allah invite us again, and make it easy for us all ameen!!
In my conversations with people, I fail to encompass my inner life. Utterly. I can't even begin to speak coherently. It's asif my mind has decided on what the top emotions were, and tagged a few images to go along. The rest is left in carbon in my diary. The way it ACTUALLY was, the things we ACTUALLY did, said, dreamt even..
Today I got a call from a way too sweet a Somali lady from our group :) I still can't believe she has 6 kids of which the eldest is 19, since she looks like she's in her late twenties.. But oh well.. It brought me right back to our first meeting, out in the lobby of our (no ajectives;)) hotel in Makkah, waiting for the bus to Mina.. The 8th of Dhul-Hijja.. 3 days after my Islamic birthday (betcha most of you missed that one:) We just sat on the carpet, talked, did salaah, went for some dahl, and came back.. and waited some more, talked some more too.. Last time we saw eachother was on the bus, back to Makkah, Hajj all done.. This is how my mind works.. Just a tad of this, a pinch of that.. ' conversations consisting of the kind of marks we make when we're trying to make a pen work again... a lifetime of them ' :) Go Ani:))
The amazing thing while doing tawaaf and dua is that you're so focused, and so sure that Allah will provide for you all, in whatever way, and there is this immense trust, trust that I have had since childhood that God takes care of us, and answeres dua's, but there, it's elevated to a new plane somehow, and there's nothing else to think of, no dunya, even if your dua's concern dunya, the dunya is all about people.. you notice how little your studies matter, and how precious the relationships are.. and you get to see the ranges of your behaviour, i can't say 'the best of you', for that perhaps has not come, but Allah will inshaAllah elevate us all in level to Him and His Love and Satisfaction, ameen, but especially the worst of you. The traps of the nafs. The little things that suddenly get blown up so there's no way you can miss the message. But also the forgiveness you're not reluctant to seek from people, because it's so easy. You always know when you hurt others anyway, but there, it's sharper, and easier to fix.. Perhaps because you're so aware of what it is you're living for, and what it is you're doing here, just preparing to leave, and inshaAllah live in a place near Allah swt, in the company of our Beloved saws.. inshaAllah ameen!! And there's no way you can forget that..
Here it feels so strange to pray alone, not to have an imam lead, and not to pray salat-ul-janaaza after every salah.. Because that's the case both in Madinah and in Makkah. Almost every salaah.. And so often, we have seen the deciesed be carried off by the path we also took back to our hotel after salaah, someone we just prayed for.. SubhanAllah.. You cannot leave disputes to rest when you do that every day. You need to be as kind and as good and as humble a servant to God as you can, because you are surrounded by all these people, and you know many of them have such higher levels with God that you just feel ashamed at the amount of worship you do, and the vigour with which you strive to do everything perfectly for the dunya and akhirah.. La hawla wa la quwwata ila biLlah.. My roommate friend left this pretty booklet on the table last night, with all these pretty pictures and words.. there was this one of the Ka'aba, and it said:

Surrender UTTERLY,
Love is no slight thing

Cold

2006-01-18T12:25:00.000+03:00

We're back. And cold:) But totally in love.. Still.. We don't really want to be cold, and away from the heat of our exhistence.. but we are. No doubt about it. All that rests us now are the memories, and the hope our dua's for you all and us will be answered, and we will be invited again to visit.. La hawla wa la quwwa ila biLlah.. love
E

Where we all turn to...

2005-12-30T16:50:00.001+03:00

I know how I always tell you I despise all that is Ameeerican (including my accent:) but there're a few good things about it, like being able to communicate from this marble place with a powerfull airconditioning (what's this infatuation with marble and Saudis anyways??) We came in after a 14 hour busride from Madina, and we thought that was a LOT! Spoiled brats that we are.. We prayed fajr in the courtyard, and went inside, to start with the tawaaf.. I can't begin to tell you what it was like.. ' you can call it magic when a man pulls a rabit out of a hat, but the reason why I don't call is cause i'm wondering if there isn't a beter word then that..' yeah.. magical doesn't begin to describe it. Surreal perhaps.. I don't know. Simply perfect. The thing is, we've all seen it on pictures, paintings, the tv.. but standing here, just watching the Ka'aba.. no wonder the very act is ibadah.. But the tawaaf itself is very real.. all the people around you, it's not like on tv at all. you get the whole package: the pulls, yanks, smells, shouts, smiles, it's all there. And you're right in it. Just walking, trying to keep up, do dua, say salaam and Allahu akbar with each round.. Makkah is a busy place. There's a sense of hurry. Even the salaah is quicker then in Madina.. I wonder why.. But there are hidden graces in people too. Just yesterday, the iqama started for asr, and I just came off the escalators (yeah, for real, within the masjid!:) and had no place to stand, when this older Arab lady pulled me, and placed me beside her, on her sarjada. After the salaah I said JazakAllah, and she just replied 'malesh, nahnu muslimeen' :) SubhanAllah. That's another thing. You KNOW all have to be muslim to get in here. Rouki and I sat on the roof of our hotel the other night, talking about it all.. Looking at the Haram.. Today we even did a little sunbathing:) Yeah, I know that in Holland it's snowing. Might be snowing in Bosnia too, ai?:) Rouki says salaamz. I'm gonna go now. I'm gonna go watch the Ka'aba some more inshaAllah tonight after isha. I'm thinking of you all. Roomy darlin, welcome back:) Kornjacha is hibernatin, don't worry:) much love. salaamz. E
p.s. it's amazing, this being the only place where it doesn't matter from what side you walk to the masjid, or how you turn, you always face the Ka'aba:) SubhanAllah..

The city of Light

2005-12-25T10:32:00.000+03:00

salaam my lovelies:)
Told ya we were brave and ambitious:)) But don't get your hopes up, it's that we're in a chique 5-star holtel, and my supposed mahram is outside waiting for me in this private sacntuary where I'm installed to share with you what we do. Where to start.. Just had a Chokotoff van Suuz, JazakAllah darlin, we need the energy:) We just got back from Rasool s.a.w.s. Isn't it SubhanAllah, to just say that? We did. Really. We were there. In rawdah. We stood, and wept, and our ankles didn't swell because you're ushered out as soon as you compleat the two raka's, but we were there. In the place he built with his own hands, with his companions, with his wives. We said salaam, and .... Ya Allah.. Madina truely is Lighted all over. I don't know if there's a place in the world with such changes of light, of shades, of beauty.. The moon shifts like a pie-chart (for us biologists and environmentalists, this must sound familiar:)) it takes up a new quarter of the sky with every hour that passes.. lighting the red sky (that's artificial light though;) we know this because the first night here was like ittikaf, we prayed tahajjud, then fajr, then slept. This morning after fajr it rained. What a blessing! We've been blessed with a few drops from Medina. Ya Allah! The whole experience is so humbling.. I am awe-struck and smiling all the while seeing the beautiful faces Allah has crafted, curved out with age and wisdom..I cannot tell you which are more beautifull, they all radiate.. SubhanAllah.. Please keep me in your prayers. I have been selfish. All I do is ask forgiveness. But I'll keep you in mine. Don't know if Makkah will grant us any net-acces, but inshaAllah c u all soon. Love you all muchos!
wassalaamz

Unreal

2005-12-22T19:15:00.000+03:00

SubhanAllah.. I can't believe I'm actually going. I've seen the passport, the visa, got the shots but it's still surreal.. I'm at the Uni, for the last day, finishing the project, but.. my mind is not where it should be. It's with Saleh, his wife, her tears last night.. I don't know if it's 'cause she lives so far away from her family..If it's because she can't go on Hajj because her mom's sick.. I'm with my thoughts with our friend who lost her sister last week, and the story she told was so beautiful, so serene, so... words leave me, JazakAllah, you're with us on Arafah inshaAllah in spirit, and she is with Allah in Al Firdouws inshaAllah.. My thoughts are with my traveling friend, somewhere, far away, close by still.. With my Jibouti bride:) My thoughts are everywhere. With all you dalin'z that sent me your duas, your pleas, may Allah invite you next year inshaAllah, then you can remember me too:)
Loads of love. I want to leave this to you, for I know I might not come back. Just lots of love. And may Allah guide us all, and protect us, and give us to be buried there where those who will be first will be brought to life, or those who will be lucky/content. Ameen! May He make us meet, if not in this life, then in Al Firdouws inshaAllah Ameen!
lots of salaaaaam, peace, peace, and love of Allah. I love you in His name.

Safety

2005-12-19T12:18:00.000+03:00

I don’t know where to begin. I guess with the pancakes:) Yeah, we (or rather Rouki) HAD actually spent some 3 hours baking some..I think about 40 pancakes:) Yep! And no, when the burrito’s should have been finished, they of course weren’t, since the bean department was my business, and I had postponed it till the last minute. Which perhaps caused some commotion and my head acquiring some strange sense of outer-body awareness, so I just left the kitchen, and went to talk to my lovely future-to-be-lawyer grrrl:) who needed to know which way was Mekka from my bedroom:) So in the end, all was well, and JazakAllah for just leaving me out of it all, for I can’t handle too many questions at once from 5 different people. Later, it made me wonder how it will be on Arafah, but then again, it is Allah who will deal with all the dua’s, and I will simply inshaAllah hear the murmurs and the calls... So forgive me for being intellectually absent, to my recently-Cairo resident slash tv-star girlfriend: just don’t mind me:)) And to Rouki, of course, you were right: it was actually threatening to be a success!:))
So with the food came the cheer:) That was lovely to see, it’s always nice to gather a big crowd and watch them split up and make new friends:) But after we ate all the salty and sweet, the official ikrar-dua time came (only after my lovely Moroccan co-biologist had worked out with me, from the Bosnian dua booklet!, which duas to do:) . So after a little inventory of who wants to read the Qur’an, and all the shy look-aways, my paint-partner (or should I leave out the partner bid, and just say you and the rest did all the painting, while I sent sms-ez the whole day?) and fervent Bosnia and Bosnians lover (muahahahahaaaa:)))) offered to read us some Qur’an:) Now I knew who to ask, since worshipping with you was such a treat last year in the Bosnian mosque (even with the handkerchief on the floor;) and this year at our ittikaf:) weehaaaa!! SubhanAllah. So then we started.

This is where I fall silent.

I don’t know what to say. Salawaat, Fatiha, and then our friend whose name rhymes with Alima read the last part of Bakarah, and the whole Ya-Sin! MashAllah!!

Like my co-bio girl said later: it made you think of that hadith that where people gather to remember Allah, the angels gather, and Allah mentions them in Al Firdouws inshaAllah. It was simply palpable in the room with almost 20 people.. the peace, the serenity, the tranquility... SubhanAllah.. And it was so sweet when our mums did the last 3 surahs MashAllah:) Go mommies!! And then the beautiful dua read by a beautiful native in Arabic:) MashAllah:) and Amin again, may He keep you safe as well, and make us remember each other always, wherever we are Amin!!And afterward, all eyes were on us. Except that Rouki kindda, after all that baking, forgot what our hidden agenda of the evening was:))

JazakAllah for forgiving us all you lovely darlin’s, we are indebted to you multifold! JazakAllah for coming to be with us and for being with us and for sharing your spirit and your love with us (yeah, I’m getting all mushy!), but really, Allahs Mercy is boundless, and we are so grateful that He has surrounded us with sisters in deen like you SubhanAllah! All of you. Also the ones that had to leave way too early because they lived in the middle of nowhere somewhere in the east/north of the country, or was it south/west?(Allah knows, you know my topography (is that a word??) skills are worthless:)

The amazing thing about the night was that the sense of surrender that came with the burrito-crisis, and with the beautiful tajweed, and with the amazing dua, and with the talks of Hajj and remembrance of Allah (and me being so proud and amazed when Suuz mentioned all these things about Allah, and I was thinking: in just 2 years, or less, you know sooo much MashAllah, you really carry the spirit of our deen MashAllah, what a favor it is of Allah to make us sisters in deen!), and the ‘daj mi moju dushu’-Jagomir talk hehehhehe;))) it all left a sense of safety and trust in Allah. Of His decree for us. That there are no worries in the world, for He will give us what is best for us. He will make it all right. Nothing to worry about. All the things that normally occupy my mind fell away. That night, I slept like a baby. Just like being enveloped in some sort of a womb (no, this is not my rebirthing-art workshop coming up, don’t worry!:), a womb of safety and trust in Allah. And it made me think that this was probably what people feel all the while when on Hajj. And I got a sneak peak at it:)

Alhamdulillah. So JazakAllah all for being there, JazakAllah for all the gifts and the gift of your presence, and I hope inshaAllah you shared in my womb-feelings (I’m definitely over-surrounded by pregnant family and friends:)) Sejla, hurry up already, (even if you didn’t wait for your turn, I’m 10 days older, OK?!:) I want to see Antar!:) Or Eldar, or what’s your newest idea?:) Love you all heaps, and all of you who live in every other part of the world, Meli, we used your dua-booklet you gave me through your co-architect:), so you were there with me too. My girl that’s learning French from her Jibuti friends: I thought of you too, been wanting to call you all week, but that darn time-difference! Forget Malasia, come live with me:) All my ladies in Bosnia, wish you were with me, or I was with you, all my family... you know how I feel (like that song goes: birds in the sky, you know how I feel, tra la la laaa.. etc:), but I talked to most of you this weekend.. Jordan’s almost over roomy darlin’, I phoned your sis, they’re all fine, come back soon, you know my place is WARM, and Kornjacha’s still not hibernating!:) Egypt-sufi-mania girl, I’ll do that dua inshaAllah, don’t worry, but you need to work on it too:))) England’s not that far, thinking of you in Welsh hills; Storm, I’ll see you in Mekka inshaAllah!! Now I’m gonna go study for my exam, it’s getting really ridiculous, I’ve done squat! And you know what a vrijedan/ijverig/(....english translates in something like ‘nerd’-y) student I am, so..:) kiss kiss hug hug, ta taa, wassalaamz

Elvira

p.s. do dua for my grandma please! she semi-broke her knee-cap a few days ago (don’t ask me how, they were working on their weekend-house on Romanija (place near Sarajevo for you ‘we should really go visit you in Bosnia’-but never come people;) and the car wouldn’t start, so grandpa was steering, while she pushed...I know, they’re both 80 years old, don’t ask me:)) Bosnia being all snowy and icy, she subsequently fell, and wears a cast now, so please remember her!

One week to go

2005-12-15T14:21:00.000+03:00

Salaamz darlin's

So yeah, I'm here, sitting at the comp.room of my old Uni, illegaly, I KNOW:), but yeah, have tonns of stuff to do, and Hajj is hardly dawning on me. Well, it's dawning all-right, in terms of: I have SOOOOO much stuff to do before I leave, but I won't bore you with that. Except, I can't seem to focus on anything. A good friend of mine told me: make sure you're not in love when in Makka, for there's nothin worse then doing tawaaf and thinking of that person. I'll try to keep that in mind inshaAllah. And all the folks that want Roukayyah and I to do duas for, often men-related duas:)) (You know who you are!!:) I think tomorrow, at our Ikrar-dua night, we ought to set up a list or something, so ppl can sign in, or it'll be a highway to delerium once we're on Arafat inshaAllah.
The good news is: We got the dresses, may Allah reward my and Roukis mum for their great work of the past week! Ameen!
We'll try to keep up the blog in Mekka, which ofcourse will have to go through her bro (or mine if he comes inshaAllah, please do dua for that!!) for you know them S-lafi policy concerning them womenfolk and the net.. I shouldn't get started, I'm trying to keep up my patience and my cool, and like Ani would say 'one breath at a time is an acceptable plan, she tells herself' :) Got me through worse times, should get me through Hajj inshaAllah:)
Love all y'all, keep me in your duaz, I'll keep you in mine inshaAllah!
wasalaamoooz
Elvira